I had a really good birthday. Probably the best one in nearly 10 years. I was surrounded by loved ones all weekend long. My legionmates sang “Happy Birthday” to me which was awesome sauce.

I had dinner with Jess Friday night. She gave me a lovely Harley Quinn print. Saturday I had lunch with Donna and Chris. Donna gave me a Harley Quinn backpack. (SQUEE!) We had discovered The Filling Station over in Avondale earlier in the week and ate there again. I had a drink called a Brass Monkey that was uber delicious. Think White Russian, but sweeter. I had dinner with my folks on Sunday. They took me to one of my favorite Mexican places. I swear they have one of the best chimichangas I’ve ever had, and their salsa is always fresh and delicious. And their Long Island Ice Tea is the best I’ve ever had.

Last week I had a bad week diet wise. You could say that I fell off the wagon. Instead of having just Friday as my “cheat day” I had a whole cheat week in honor of my birthday. Yep, I’m an idiot. I have spent this week paying for eating so badly last week. I’ve been having headaches all week, and have felt sore and cranky — mostly from all the carbs and sugar I had, in addition to not drinking enough water. That was all my fault. What was worse was that my mom made a German Chocolate cake and gave me half of it for my birthday. And you’d better believe I ate half of that bad boy. I so miss cake … but I eventually threw the rest of it away to avoid further temptation. My father had given me a huge bag of candy and sweets. I took those to work. I don’t think he understands what diabetic means. I know my mom does, but she reasoned that it was my birthday and once in a while doesn’t hurt. She’s right, but right now my impulse control is nil.

So this week I’m mostly back on track. I had a cheeseburger Tuesday because it was a really bad day and I was PMSing, and I figured that a small cheeseburger was better than chili cheese fries. I’m an emotional eater, and I mean really badly. When I stress or I’m upset, I go straight for comfort food — carbs. I have cut sugar out completely, but am having trouble going cold turkey on other carbs, such as bread and the occasional potato. I have been under my calorie goal 98% of the time for the last 2 months, but some days I go over what my carbs should be. I know I don’t eat enough protein, but honestly I am sick of grilled chicken. And good beef is expensive. I have an appointment with a dietician next week, so maybe she can help me out with my struggles.

My follow-up appointment with my internist is next month. I’m really afraid that I haven’t lost enough weight, or that I haven’t cut enough carbs, or that my A1C will still be too high, and that he’ll want to medicate me. I really want to avoid that. Really REALLY want to avoid that.

I feel so guilty when I have these stumbles. I mean, I know I’m doing better than I was, but I know I could do better than I have been. I’m miserable when I can’t eat the things I want, and I’m miserable when I break down and eat them anyways. I feel badly for anyone who has struggled with this longer than I have. This is hell.

And sometimes my problem is that I’m not eating enough good things, so I run to bad things to supplement. I mean, seriously … I had a half portion of potatoes for breakfast. Not the best thing for me, but only 15 carbs. It’s not what I needed, but it’s what I wanted. They were delicious. But it’s now 2.5 hours later and I’m hungry again. I’m sitting here listening to my rumbling tummy. My blood sugar is 148, so it’s not low but higher than it should be, but my stomach is screaming for more food. I won’t have lunch for another 2 hours.

So the week is over. I’m going to pick up some groceries this weekend, and will try to get more fruits, veggies, and things to snack on. The Atkins protein bars are ok, and their desserts are nice, but some days they are nothing close to what I want.

I’m ruled by the rumbling tummy.