I tried to psyche myself up. I have been having a hard time with the holidays. Not as bad as last year, or the year before that, or the year before that, and so on … but I still hate them. In fact, my Mother became upset with me a couple weeks ago because I told her that I hate Christmas. She doesn’t understand what I’m going through, and I said some things that hurt her feelings because she hurt mine. We’ve since talked and apologized, but I hadn’t felt any better.

It’s been a rough year for many of us, myself included. My health is not the best and seems to be getting worse. After the new year, I’ve got to go back to the doctor because my uterus is back to being an asshole again, and it’s looking like I’ll need surgery. I’ve lost several friends this year. My best friend lost her mother in the early hours yesterday.

I know my pain pales in comparison to that of those I love, but it has consumed me for so long. Some days I fear it will never leave me.

But tonight I received a welcomed and much Needed respite. I had been dreading today. I fully expected a fight with my father, and maybe another argument with my mother. Thankfully, nothing happened. In fact, my father (though he was annoying the shit out of my mother) was downright joyful and in rare form. My mother seemed to be in good spirits and kept the conversations light-hearted, even when it was just the two of us talking. My brother’s family was with him. My niece and nephew are the most adorable creatures on earth and were entertaining. Actually, they were side-splittingly hysterical. When they left, my face was sore from smiling, and my sides hurt from laughing. In fact, I laughed so hard at one point I started coughing and wheezing, and wished I’d had my inhaler with me!

I Needed Tonight, in a very bad way. I left my parents’ place feeling lighter than I have in months. It won’t last, but for now I’m enjoying the warmth.

I’m better than I was, but still have a long way to go.

Merry Christmas. I hope wherever you are, you are able to find some warmth of your own.