Borderline feels like I’m going to lose my mind

You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline

Word of the day: Tohubohu – chaos, disorder, confusion

I’m overworked. I do a lot of repetitive movement in my job. My shoulders and neck become sore halfway through my morning. I probably should go to the doctor and get a steroid, ugh. You’re overworked, too I bet. Isn’t everyone? When I’m in this position, bad things start to happen. I become manic. I start sleeping less and less but am fully functional. To the general public, I’m elated, witty and fun to be around. In my home life, I’m very irritable, chaotic and unpredictable. Anytime we’ve been short at work, I’ve become manic. Mania tends to be my mood of choice. In the beginning, I was treated for depression time and time again until I finally became full blown manic and that’s when I was diagnosed. Now, my mind leans toward mania. The symptoms of an elevated mental state are what I experience every time I start having any kind of issues. Mania has come extremely close to ending my almost 14 year marriage. I have a tendency to fall into emotional affairs with other men during these episodes. How my hubs puts up with this shit, I’ll never know, but I’m thankful he has and I hope he never has to again. I can become bitchy to violent in no time. I like to “raise” my voice to make sure I’m heard. (I think this is why the “Reds,” aka my neighbors, don’t like us. I’m pretty sure the windows were open during a manic fight at least once or twice. [They have red hair, hence the “Reds.”]) I’m not proud of it, but I’ve taken a dining room chair to the bedroom door to get at hubs only because he wouldn’t stop running his mouth. I also lose weight, usually about 30lbs. My interest in sex/sex drive is heightened. There’s a lot of appealing “symptoms,” but mania really does destroy lives.

Now, to “come down” from this state, at least for me, my lithium has been adjusted to a higher dose. I went as high as 2100mg and I understand that’s pretty much as high as it gets. Well, that dosage gives me diarrhea and tremors. So, that was fun. You have to watch because the meds can pull you down too far too fast and then BAM you’re depressed and vice versa. It’s a vicious cycle.

Q: If you could take a one month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?

Well, being that Americans aren’t safe anywhere in this world anymore, I’ll have to pass on Paris. Remember the attack on the Bataclan? I wouldn’t spend the entire month in Paris anyway. I’d definitely tour France…not to be confused with Tour de France. Ha, ha…I made a funny! So instead, I think I’d enjoy a nice tropical location with blue water and white sand. We’ve all seen those pictures where the “huts” are out in the water and you have to walk down a bridge to get to it. If there’s indoor plumbing, I’ll stay in a hut…otherwise I’ll get a nice hotel with plenty of spa services.