Hey Beauties,
I have just spent the last 3 hours soaking in an activated charcoal infused bath, in a candle lit bathroom, listening to slow rnb tunes. And in those 3 hours, I found peace.
You see I’ve just come out of a relationship. An awesome, heart wrenching, exciting, turbulent relationship. And in the 8 months that I was on and off with him, I learnt so much. I learnt what truly loving someone meant. Wanting the best for them. PRAYING for the best for them. Celebrating their accomplishments both big and small as if they were your personal victories. Looking at them happy and feeling your heart melt. God, I loved him. And he loved me. I felt the feeling of being loved. Of knowing that he wanted the best for me. Knowing that he would protect me. Knowing that he would be there for me if I truly needed him.
And when it ended a few days ago. It broke me. I was shattered. It ended in the one way I NEVER thought it would. The most heartbreaking, painful way. I not only lost a man I truly loved; I lost a close close friend. And no, he didn’t die. He just disappeared. He walked away and never looked back to say bye. And for the last couple of days, I’ve felt worthless, confused, and betrayed. How could he have claimed to love me so dearly and turn around and throw me away like garbage? Not care enough to give us both some semblance of closure.
And today was the worst of it. After many pleas for him to talk me, it finally dawned on me that he never would. And even more painful, today I saw photos and statuses of him going on with his happy life as if I had never occupied any place in it. And today I cried. I cried all day. I felt it so hard I honestly thought I would collapse. My body was shaky, my mind was scattered, I was a mess.
So in the spirit of trying to be positive and attract positivity into my life, I did the only thing left to do (there was no wine in the house, I checked!) I run a bath. And for the first 20 minutes in that candlelight bathroom, I allowed myself to think of him. To mourn him. To wish him well. And then I found myself drowning in the music. Song after song of men who loved and adored their women. Men who wanted to give their women everything I wanted him to give me. And FINALLY, after months and months of my best friends Anita trying to scream this into my ear, I heard it. THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WHO WANT TO TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. There are men who WANT to be my best friend, and spend their free time with me. Men who WANT to surprise me with a candlight dinner on the livingroom floor or sit in a car and talk about God and the universe and love. Men who WANT to build their lives with me at their side, not just in their circle. Men who WANT to make me happy: like giddy can’t stop laughing happy. Men who want to give me the love I want to give them.
And God knows for months I had hoped I’d feel that with him. That importance in his life. His wanting for me to be HIS PERSON. And I never was. No matter how much I tried, no matter how much HE tried, it just never happened. And I was crushed. It is an excruciating thing to realize that even the best of you was never enough for him to give himself to you. To realize that he never would. That you would never occupy that spot in his life. BUT I’M WORTH THAT SPOT IN THE RIGHT MAN’S LIFE. I am worth that spot in the life of the man who is worthy of that spot in MY life. The man who loves me in the way I deserve.
And after arguably the worst most heartbreaking week of my life, I’m at peace. And while I’m sure I might cry a few more times, I know now that though letting him go is painful, I am now FREE to find the love that is out there waiting for me. And he is free to find his special love too. And that’s a crazy good silver lining to this very very dark cloud.
If you’ve been through what I’ve been through, feel free to share in the comment section.
Imagine a man so focused on God that the only reason he looked up to see you is because he heard God say, "That's her".
-Anonymous (cheesy but love it)
Until Next Time,
Healed By RnB
