From my last post you might think that "Wow, really? Just because of that one thing? Just because you couldn't sing?" Well, no. There was a much deeper Hurt than just singing. I was a very shy person from about 15 to about 19. And still, sometimes I can get really shy. It was a million insecurities fit in to my world. I think that, when what I wanted to be my success turned into failure, I lost hope in my self and just closed myself off from everyone.
Bounded by Chains
When I realized that what I worked so hard on and what I put most of my attention on wasn't working out, I just stopped trying all together. There were moments in my life that I thought no one cared. No one would ask me how I feel. No one would be interested in asking why am so distant. All that people could ask is: "What's wrong with you? ", "Why are you like this?", "You are a loner and you need to get out more." Those are just a few examples. This is around the time I started to feel depressed. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Not because I was full of myself and thought of myself too highly. I simply became very insecure about who I was and became afraid of being rejected.
It's not something I came up with. This went back to those moments when people close to me would hurt me and I guess you can say betrayed me. I felt neglected by my family and felt completely lost because I knew they wouldn't understand. Depression has become so common among the Slavic community, but parents don't know this and cannot fit this into their minds. Our parents only understand how everything was when they were young and that depression is simply impossible. Well, it is possible. We live in America and parents need to open their mind and look into their children's lives. What is really going on with them? What parents need to do is approach their kids with love and absolutely no judgement. They need to open their minds and listen to their children and give them more attention and time. The best time to do that is, well, from the time they are born. But, of course, if that time was slipped away then you can still start where you are now. Better late then ever, right?
So I spent most of my days at home. I was home schooled when it all started so it became a habit to stay home. After I graduated I started to attend college. I would go to college, then back home. I was one of those awkward kids that didn't know how to be active in class and even making small talk while getting coffee. I just wanted everyone to read my invisible sign: PLEASE DON'T TALK TO ME! Lol. Yes, I would rather be ignored at that point than try to talk to people.
I want to mention that throughout all of this time, even though I felt so alone and was pretty much drowning in my misery, I cried out to God. No doubt in my heart that all of those lonely nights with a soaked pillow that He was there. I don't think that I could have made it without God. And I also wanted to mention that even with my depression, I never wanted to end my life. Never. I knew that one day I will be happy and that everything will change. I just didn't know when that would be and I didn't know how to get out of the chains of depression and hurt that had bound me by that time.