When I was 15 and my period first appeared it was a minor, irritating inconvenience.  Cramps and feeling a bit yucky became natural and it just did not bother me one bit but I did moan about them.  At 36, I really wish I could go back to those days again because day by day my life is slowly being ripped apart.

 After my diagnosis of severe PMS (PMDD) in 2014, I honestly felt that I was dealing with things much better.  I started tracking my cycle so I knew how many good days (usually 9 days for me) I would have before ovulation came and the rollercoaster started all over again.  I won't go through all the physical and psychological symptoms again but now I am finding out about the one big symptom they fail to make you aware of, the one that really makes your life a living hell.

Over the last 5 weeks I have had a sinus infection, a urine infection, the cold a sickness bug and now a viral infection.  Add to that my PMDD symptoms and it's clear I am having a terrible time of it just now.  The one thing people don't see is how this condition is ruining my relationships.

At 36 I should be out working, looking after the kids when I come home and all the other things that come along with being a married woman.  The fact is, I can't work as the symptoms are crippling my day to day life.  I have days I can take on the world and days I can hardly walk about the house.  I look at my children and think how they deserve so much better than me.  I look at my husband and think why does he stay with me?  I should be spending more time with my mum talking about nice things rather than moaning down the phone about how I am feeling but as a woman she understands the hell I am going through. She has enough to worry about without me adding to it.

The intense guilt I feel every single day makes me feel sick. I can't help but feel I am ruining everyone's life due to something I physically and mentally have absolutely no control over.  Before anyone comes out with "you do have control, get over yourself" no, I don't have control of my hormones just the same as you.

The physical symptoms and some of the psychological symptoms can be managed with paracetamol and that's as far as it goes.  The guilt, however, can't be managed and it will always eat away at me, bit by bit every single day.

James, Liam, Sophie, Mum, Dad and Claire -  I love you all so much and I am so sorry for putting you all through this.


**At the time of writing, I am waiting for my gynaecology appointment to come through after being referred on January 18th.