I've had a shitty half of a week and I need to let it all out while I still feel vulnerable to. This is basically gonna be a free for all type of thing since I am in no way going to try and organize my thoughts right now.
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You know that feeling where you feel pissed off at everything and everyone and want to be alone but then by being alone you feel lonely?
well that's how I feel.
I'm stressed but I don't know what about.
I'm mad and annoyed but I can't pin point why.
I havn't gone to the gym in a week and feel like shit but also don't want to go to the gym. I used to look forward to going to the gym and feeling good about myself and now I just feel gross.
These past few years I've been feeling out of it. Like I'm loosing some sort of connection with my friends and like I'm more on the outside looking in on my friendships. It's easy to act like you're having fun and love everyone you're with when you've done it so many times before. Don't get me wrong I do love all my friends from the bottom of my heart. I just feel like they don't care as much as they used to. I've always had issues with friends whether it's obvious or not. And not actual issues with them but more of my own self conscious self over-thinking things that don't need to be over-thought.
I feel guilty that I'm ready for college and okay with the fact that I won't be able to call up the girls to hang out whenever I want. I feel selfish for feeling like my friends don't care about me and that I should be doing something to change how I feel.
Then there's also the feeling where I just want to cry all the time and I don't know why. Don't get me wrong I think crying is a great thing, there's nothing wrong with a good cry. But the worst is when you don't know why.
This exact thing happened to me a week ago. I was in my friends car and we were about to go out and I just wanted to go home and I could feel my eyes tearing up as I just sat silently in the backseat. This is also a classic example of me experiencing FOMO (fear of missing out). It is honestly the most realist thing and it's not me being a drama queen. I wanted to go out and hang out with the girls but at the same time I was so annoyed at everyone around me that I wanted to just sit in bed and cry. I knew that if I did that I would feel alone even more and wish I had stuck it out and stayed out. I know that it's really just all in my head but it's becoming a problem I think because I always doubt the validity of if I'm really wanted there. Like will I be missed if I just didn't show up to a party or hang out?? I just never want to miss out on something in fear that it'll be some epic or monumental or memorable in some way. I like knowing that I'm apart of something and that people want me there when in reality none of that should really matter in the big picture. I should go because I want to go and have fun while I'm at it. Not go because I don't want to miss out.
As I'm now sitting in the gym parking lot I will finish this rant off feeling a little better and a little more productive than when I started this considering I left my house and ended up at the gym.
xo,
Hannah
