Anyone who writes also ends up having a stack of drafts. As I have been reclaiming my blog, and feverishly noting down any inspiring thoughts, I found a draft from November 11, 2017. It was five days after a sudden surgery, and four days after I knew a job change was coming.

I’ve not been communicating a lot, but to those who know, I did fall sick recently. Thankfully, as I am able to write this now, I’m not dead. I’m slowly peeling myself off of pain killers and I am vaguely hopeful- in a way you are when you feel submerged under water, but see a light. One of my doctor’s was surprised with my extreme focus and questions for the next month. I had to admit that my grandmother’s 90, so I felt I had ways to go. (Saved draft, Nov 11, 2017)

I did not end up posting and forgot about it. I did end up posting on Instagram on that day with a little sketch based on a Gulzar song (who naturally solves everything).

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Tum jo keh do to aaj ki raat Chaand doobega nahi, raat ko rok lo Raat ki baat hai, aur zindagi baaki to nahi… If you say so, tonight, the #moon wouldn’t set, stop the night… It’s just the matter of a night, much #life isn’t left… #Drawing to #Gulzar’s lyrics today because there’s no other so poignant. #illustration #art #sketchbook #gulzarsaab #kidart #visualpoetry #terebinazindagise #hindisongs #hindi #poets #hindipoetry #drawings #gulzarreimagined #indiansong

A post shared by Upasna Kakroo (@upasnakakroo) on Nov 11, 2017 at 4:32pm PST

So much unexpected has happened since that time. What I had imagined being the very worst was far from it. Over the last few years, there have been so many lows and highs. I no longer romanticize the notion that it’ll all be better from now on. Because life won’t stop. I’ll just learn to be more resilient with each event. Not because I’m strong, but what’s the alternative?

Experiencing ambiguous losses 

Now being in the middle of a pandemic, not having met my mother in two years except on FaceTime, and having a 24-hour job of parenting an infant, while handling a full-time job, feels like a piece of cake in comparison, but also devastating at the same time. Knowing how unpredictable things have been, it could be so much worse. But the pandemic is different in its Ambiguous losses– the loss of the time driving with my audiobooks, being able to concentrate in a meeting without distractions, walking to a coffee shop, talking in real life, eating a croissant, being able to get on to a plane and go anywhere. Not feeling normal does need acknowledgment like other forms of grief.

“These were all things we were attached to and fond of, and they’re gone right now, so the loss is ambiguous. It’s not a death, but it’s a major, major loss,.. “What we used to have has been taken away from us.”

Ambiguous loss elicits the same experiences of grief as a more tangible loss — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — but managing it often requires a bit of creativity. (source)

When we moved out of Srinagar in 1990, I was excited for what was to come. I didn’t realize or think through the consequences of what would happen if I didn’t even have the ability to go back. Not being able to go back to my childhood and even connect to my mother’s life as an adult is a loss that’s hard to place a tangible value on. It is the loss of normalcy in ambiguous ways. Just like this pandemic. I don’t want to hear about the new normal or whatever new terminology anyone comes up with. First, I want to acknowledge that this year is terrible, and my son literally knows two people since he was born. That’s not a regular childhood. and maybe it’ll make up for great stories when he’s older, but it’s also something to feel sad about. 

Coping in the pandemic 

Resilience is not an unending source, and Ambiguous Losses take a lot from us. Some ways in which we can replenish our resilience, and feel hopeful include getting enough rest (mental and physical), self-compassion, and gratitude.

My Coping Mechanism has been finding everything and anything to dress up for and celebrate. Small milestones, baby’s firsts, festivals that I did, or did not grow up on- everything that makes me feel good. On days that nothing works, I wear my Saree, put on my kajal, and click a selfie. I’ve also found innate pleasure in sitting on my corner of the couch to pen down thoughts, or simply look into the air when baby naps. Or taking up random squat challenges with the husband. I don’t know if it does anything, but for sure it utilizes my brain (even if the watch doesn’t register it as exercise). I’ve also very intentionally deleted people out of my social IDs who simply say things that are stupid at best, and harmful in general. I have no mind space for that.

What is your most reliable coping mechanism?