So much to achieve, such less time ! Yesterday it was IAS, today GRE, tomorrow MBA. What the fuck is happening with my life. Okay, let me clearly expain my present situation. Till 2nd year, I had a clear vision in my mind that I want to become an IAS officer, aiming to achieve an AIR 1 in CSE 2018, and serve my dear country. Pragya Puri was also a driving factor towards my IAS goals, since I wanted to impress her anyhow and eventually marry her. Then came a phase around 4th semester when I completely gave up on CSE preparations and instead starting focusing on GRE. It was Robin sir who pushed me to start preparing for MS instead of CSE since the road to IAS is really really tough and chances to crack it in first attempt are bleak. Hence, due to the fear of failure and a confusion in mind, I started preparing for GRE. But, again, the demanding college schedule, extracurricular activities and academic burden of 3rd year never really gave me time to prepare for GRE. Many a times, I tried on my own to study but the syllabus felt really boring, obsolete and dry. Now I was stuck badly. The second year of engineering eventually passed off, I scored a decent 8.8 CGPA aggregate and performed brilliantly in the extracurricular domain. But then, that insecurity regarding my future always remained stuck in my mind. Then came the 5th semster where I somehow performed extraordinarily in the co-curricular part, opened a couple of societies, interned at cool places, organised workshops and did good projects, but eventually fucked up big time in academics. I still don’t know how my result would turn up, but I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Presently I am gearing up for my 6th semester. I cannot risk up further with my academics. I have to anyhow score a perfect 10 CGPA from here on so as to reach a good total of about 9.50 aggregate. I have been selected by Dr. Ekta Singla to intern at IIT Ropar for the current winter break. But then , destiny is again playing its part somehow. I was crystal clear about pursuing MS from Germany till yesterday. Then suddenly this thought came to my mind ” Gitesh sun. Abhi tu jo 10 days IIT Ropar me bita kar aaya hai usse itna to clear ho gya hoga ki friends and family matter much more than a good resume. jab tu chala jaega Germany and it is highly possible that tu kabhi wapas na aapaye, soch tere mom dad and friends ka kya hoga. Ye soch ki kya tu reh payega unke bina. Jo sense of belonging tujhe India me milta hai, kya vo Germany me mil payega. Soch, pehle to around 20 lakhs parents se pay karvayega and then unko chor kar bhi chala jaega. And tujhe bhi pata hai ki tera real passion management hai, naaki research. MS tu bas apni profile better karne ke liye karra hai. Better hai MBA karle“. I also kept thinking about Moumita for a long time. I still think that there is a chance that we might end up together in near future. So a mumble jumble of all these things forced me to give up upon my MS dreams. I now have this burning desire within me to crack CAT exam and somehow end up in IIM Calcutta. Why Calcutta? Well, you know it better than me. Maybe, if I end up in Calcutta, I might be able to spend a few moments with her, try to make her understand her that not all boys are the same and that I really really love her deeply.

Now that I have finally made peace with my career choice for now, I might be able to focus clearly on CAT preparation. But here comes the ultimate mind fuck. Let me list the responsibilities currently on my shoulder:

1. Running ISNEE society as president 
2. Building a Quad Bike and managing a team of 40 members 
3. Designing an editorial magazine for department
4. Internship at IIT Ropar
5. Aiming to score a high pointer in the remaining semesters
6. Research Paper yet to be published
7. Securing a job just to please my mother
8. and the list goes on and on !

How the hell on this earth do I focus on one particular task. I know CAT preparation has to be my top and only priority. But then when I see Vaishali achieving much more than me, I kind of get a feeling of jealousy. I don’t want anybody to beat me or to reject me. I cannot bear the feeling of rejection simply. There is a fire burning inside me from the time Moumita rejected my proposal. I don’t know why I am doing this or what will I achieve my doing this. I don’t even know whether its the right step that I am taking. I just want to prove it to her that I am a decent boy, who has loads of love to offer to anyone who seeks it. I know what it takes. It would have to work ultra hard, completely cut off from my parents for some time, get a 100% percentile in CAT, choose IIM Calcutta and surprise her.

 I used to be scared of uncertainty; now I get a high out of it. Jensen Ackles