My eyes hurt this Morning although I’m not sure why. It has probably got to do with the fact that I slept at 3ish and got up at 6ish. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning but I guess I didn’t want to lose my job either. I sometimes wonder why I’m hanging on to this job so dearly [well, not as firmly as it appears given my all-so-familiar disappearances from work]. Anyhow, I thought that if I got somehow sacked from this job, I’d be so desperate and driven towards doing something else and perhaps I might succeed in whatever endeavour I may undertake since I really have got nothing to lose then. With this silly job so closely tied to my material needs, it’s hard to overcome the paranoia that any new undertaking would not be better than the current one. Oh but what am I really saying here? Do I seriously believe in this? I think if I really lost my job, I’d just stay home and cry and whine for a long time, after which I might proceed to sleep all day, allowing my body to perhaps stay in the same position the entire day. I dare not think what I might do in the time beyond that. Talk about being driven. Funny how I try to kid myself sometimes, about myself. Please don’t be mistaken that I’m complaining about my job. I do complain at times but not in this post. I have a job that gives me time to occasionally hold internal dialogue with and write personal notes to myself, one that gives me space for some of my untimely panic attacks, so what do I have to complain about? Other than my evil nasty-ass boss of course. I was just toying with the idea or the possibility of doing something which I’d enjoy because it would certainly make life a lot easier for me, although I haven’t quite figured what it is that I like and will not fail miserably at.

I went to the doctor for more prescription refills of cough syrup in a desperate quest for numbness yesterday. But I didn’t take it. Instead I embarked upon a little project of my own to drive those nauseating voices away. I thought about my latest failed attempt in the financial market [and yes, the discovery of yet another untalented or ill-fated fiasco in my life that I should resolutely stay away from in the future to prevent further losses]. And I decided to make myself feel a little better by making a list of things that I can do and do not suck too terribly at. I had a little fun initially but after listing several items, the whole project turned out to be quite a chore when I became painfully aware of how little I could list down even if it meant listing the simplest things that I should have been able to do. And so that entire useless reminiscing had kept me up till 3am in the morning. Maybe I should put up some of my “I CANs” for your amusement. Or not.