i just got back from a wedding celebration of an ex-colleague from bp. i was rather under-dressed. most of them were in pretty dresses but i went in a simple skirt and blouse. didn't really enjoy the "reunion" with all my ex-colleagues, didn't have much to say to them. i wonder if they enjoyed themselves in such social occasions, they prob do since i was seeing smiley faces everywhere. the place was nice though. it is a standalone bunglow on a hilltop, sort of in the middle of a jungle, transformed into a restaurant and wine house, a very good place for a retreat. as i watched the couple take their vows, i felt nothing. it was empty inside, no joy whatsoever. and i wonder if others could feel their joy. somehow it didn't mean anything to me. its father's day today. i Guess their fathers must be overjoyed to watch their children getting married, must have been such a special day for them. or not, i don't know. i know i saw my dad shedding a tear on my wedding day, although it didn't turn out as it should have. he didn't say much to me on that day, he was such a quiet man. but he didn't need to say anything, i understood how he felt at that time. anyhow, now that i'm back home, i just want to hide under my covers. that few hours of hanging around so many people, putting on a smile to match theirs was just way too much for me. thank god i'm back in my little safe haven, i need this time alone, it feels so good.

so, its father's day. i would have brought him out for a nice meal, he loves going out to eat and drink. i guess there isn't much i can do except to remember the good times and carry his spirit in my heart. god i miss him! i still can't seem to explain what losing someone does to you. i really thought that things would be better off for me if i could somehow forget my dad completely. but then again, i figured why would i want to do that? if he means so damn much to me, why should i forget him. alot of him is in me and that is what i need to carry on. i guess we will all be together when our time is up. it's just so hard trying to get to that point. i hold him each day in my heart and i look forward to seeing him when my time is up. happy father's day, dad. i love you.