So, here I am again...

It never stops does it? I bet you're wondering (if you ever do wonder about my uninteresting life) what is it now? I remember those times in secondary school when I used to cry (that was on a daily basis) and people would come up to me and be like "what is it now?" "what happened to you this time?". I never Cried for attention, if anything I like to think I tried to hide my tears, however it was then that I realised people either never cared for your problems in the first place or they just stopped caring. This is not to say that I had bullies or anything but... i didn't know what to answer when someone asked "what's wrong with you now?"

I just felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness, it would go on for weeks at a time, Everyday I cried, obviously not in massive outbursts but like the silent tears streaming down your cheeks kind of thing. I remembered challenging myself everyday 'you have to go at least one day without crying, just try and manage that at least'. I couldn't. Today, not much is different to be perfectly honest. Well I don't cry everyday anymore, sometimes I have decent days, other days I guess I feel nothing, not even contempt. I still feel sad though. Ever had one of those days, weeks or months when you just feel miserable, like you can't seem to get out of this funk of emptiness. 

I cried today, for reasons i shall not delve into in detail, but yeah, I cried. So I started typing cos, like I explained before, this is my outlet. 

To be honest with you, I just wanna give up on myself, it seems like everyone else has. I know I'm throwing myself an awesome self-pity party right now but I can't help it. I don't even think it's a thing where I feel sorry for myself, I think I just loathe myself. It sounds weird but it makes sense. 

There are simple solutions to people with pathetic problems like mine, if you're sad, be happy or better yet take happy pills. If you're lonely, go stand in a crowd. If you're feeling Abandoned... well its the same thing really, surround yourself with people. 

So what's my problem?

If you've gotten this far, then kudos to you, you're probably Thinking this girl needs a psychiatrist. I probably do to be fair lol!

However, let me ask you a question. When things continuously go wrong in your life, again and again, over and over its the same bullsh*t, do you continue to take it?

'It can't be that bad' 'Of course you continue to take it, that's life, suck it up' - Fairly obvious responses.

What if you're not mentally strong enough anymore?

I said in my previous blogs that everything is a state of mind, I'm still a firm believer of that, but what if your state of mind is not in a good place? Cos mine isn't, it hasn't been for a long time and I know that because its been affecting my health, my panic attacks are becoming more frequent and I've got low blood pressure. I'm 19. That's not even normal is it?

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, I'd also be lying if I said I'd never felt suicidal. You just deal with these things right? Brush it off. Move on. Nothing happened. Such is life, there are always people in worse off positions than you. 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, if whatever you're thinking correlates with what I would have guessed as appropriate responses to my crap, then by all means you're right. I need to get a hold of myself. Its just better for me to pour out at least half of my thoughts on a public blog than to keep it bottled up! 

I don't get many views (no surprise there) I don't care really, but if you are viewing this, thanks for reading the crappy rantings of a silent rambler! :)