Hey Hey Hey!

I just realized that in each blog I write I always come up with some funky greeting, what happened to the good old 'hello'? Maybe next time :)

It has been a while but I have been through an emotional ride these past couple of days (no surprise there) and instead of letting out my emotions through my writing, i just let them out, like in the most unhealthiest way you could imagine. Yeah that shit was cray.
However, as I still have a bunch (a select handful really) of readers that still find interest in my blog, I thought I'd share my emotional breakdown with you :) yay you!
So I decided to see a counselor last week, to which I bet you're thinking 'at last she seeks help!'. It was interesting, cos I knew I was emotional, I just didn't realise just how depressed I was. I can only assume that my readers have a couple more brain cells than I do, so you must have picked that up from my previous blogs right?

Anyway, that session just happened to drill a little peep hole into what my life really was and then suck out every last bit of sanity I had left in me. In a way that was what I needed, but then it kinda wasn't. Now when I look at myself I see someone who hasn't been genuinely happy for a long time, not to say that I've had a bad life but I've just let the bad things get me down for a long time. Have you ever lost control of your emotions? Now I don't mean 'oh dear, I seem to be tearing up and I don't know why' I'm talking about the serious stuff, because that's what I felt. I'm one of those crazy people that like to keep their life in some form of control, everyone likes to feel like they have some form of control over their life even if they don't. For me I thought my emotions was one of those things I had control over, then I literally just lost it, I felt angry, sad, alone, confused, hurt and scared all at the same time.
I experienced my first (and hopefully last) nervous breakdown and that scared me. I didn't know who I was anymore, my life didn't feel like it belonged to me anymore and trust me if you've never felt something like that, it's not something I'd even want my worst enemy to experience.

Fear is the worst emotion we humans can experience. Sometimes we need it cos it can prevent us from doing stupid things but it can also prevent us from doing everything. So after my breakdown I had some sort of an epiphany, it gave me a little insight as to why I'm not happy. My life has become so mundane I believe it's literally driving me crazy! I spend my life in my room on a day to day basis, sometimes I go to lectures and I seldom go out socializing, it really is just me and my own company. Sad right?
I don't know how it got to that but then it got me thinking, I started to think about the younger me, I used to think I was such a loser back then, with the way I dressed, how I spoke, the things I did but now I envy that girl I used to be.
That girl had dreams, ambition, she had a LIFE! I wanted to be a writer, I was actually good at it, I had my first poem published in an anthology when I was 10, I got through 5 books a week! I entered loads of writing competitions and got to go on a tour of the Evening Standard, I wrote poems, a novel at one point and I was working on a screenplay and I wasn't even 16 by then. Back then I didn't write as a hobby, I wrote because that was what I wanted my dream job to be, the only person that supported me was my mum. As cliche as it may sound, when she died, my dreams died with her.

It's good to support people you genuinely believe in, because you have no idea what you're doing for their life and they will appreciate it more than you can imagine. Venus and Serena wouldn't have become one of the worlds most successful tennis players if their dad hadn't had taken them to practice every other day!

Now I'm confused because I don't know what I want, I don't know if I can go back into writing like I used to, for one thing I honestly don't think I'm good at it and I miss having my mum telling me I can do it. Self-motivation is just not the same.
However what I do know is where I want to be and university is not that place. Took me a while to realise it but I'm glad I did. One of my friends announced on Facebook that she is going to France for 8 months to be an au pair, I was so happy for her and then I felt that all too familiar pang of jealousy. All I could think of was how happy she was going to be, all the amazing things she would experience and I knew for a fact that she'd come back speaking fluent french!
My mother went to France for six months and she came back speaking fluent french! All of that got me thinking, WHAT IN GOD'S ALMIGHTY NAME AM I DOING HERE???
I've been studying Spanish for a good 5 years, its time for me to experience it properly! I've wanted to travel for years, everyone wants to travel to be fair but I was never 100% sure about uni, I questioned it too many times to be sure. I spend all my time in my room, I barely attend lectures and I live with a bunch of people who are as stimulating as fish!

So my confusion comes in the form of what to do now. I feel stuck, I have no money, no job and worst of all I live with Nigerian parents, how on earth do I tell them that I want to drop out of uni????????







As I kept going on about my countless poems and blah blah blah, I thought you might like to see one of my works, which is quite recent so its not really my old stuff I wrote it shortly after my mum died, but here it is, judge for yourself:


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