Hallo again!


If you happen to be a regular viewer of this blog, I do hope you like the revamp! I thought I'd go for the whole 'New year, New me' look ;)
There are some not-so-hidden extras on the blog now, I'm trying to include a little bit of something for everyone, if you're into that sort of thing otherwise...thanks for swinging by *waves frantically*




So I guess now would be the time to reflect.


As I started writing on the blog again, it felt somewhat different this time round. Looking back at my previous posts from four years ago, I can suddenly feel the change in me. Which is weird, right? Why would it take me 4 years to notice a difference in myself. But life! Life happened and I got so caught up in the changes I barely stopped to come up for air.


It's funny actually, when I rediscovered the blog I randomly started reading my old posts and all I could think was 'Damn! I was really depressed!' so it made me wonder what random people must have thought of me as they read my page.
I'm not afraid to admit now that I needed help, back then was a scary time for me. I felt broken. Lost. Practically inconsolable. Even now when I talk about my depression I play it off as lightly as I could, it's still a tricky subject for me but I know in order to help someone who I believe is going through something similar, I should share my experiences and let them know they have someone there to support them.
Nothing else in this world can isolate you more than depression. I did everything in my power to make those around me believe that I was ok, so much so that every time I plastered a fake smile across my face and said 'Everything's fine' I felt myself die a little inside. I resented myself.


The advancement of social media, medicine, society as a whole has encouraged more people to come forward and talk about their experiences with mental health. We see it represented on our TV shows, various public figures are coming out to tell their stories, we have an entire week dedicated to mental health awareness and yet when I open up about my attempted suicide, I'm met with the same responses. "Oh Chanel, why would you want to kill yourself?" "You shouldn't do that you know, you won't go to heaven"
So naturally I close up, the walls are erected again, the doors are shut, blinds pulled down. Please stop talking.
I know no harm is meant in these type of statements and I don't expect someone to break down crying for me upon hearing that revelation. Just a little empathy. That's it. The decision to take one's life is not as simple as the decision to pop down to the shops for some bread.


After my first suicide attempt (yes, there was more than one) I remember the nurse asking me how I felt and I said I felt disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn't even get a suicide attempt right.
I didn't see myself going to heaven, I didn't see myself getting better, I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I certainly didn't see how it would affect those who cared about me. All I saw was a loophole out of my situation and death was that loophole.




If I could describe my depression in one word it would be 'darkness'. From the way that I viewed the world, to how I felt inside everyday. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy and it's certainly not something people should be afraid to talk about. I'm trying to find a way to bring out positive outcomes from my past experiences.


I'm not magically healed from depression, believe me it has been a long and stressful journey to the Chanel that I am today! I still have down days and I'm petrified that at any moment I could relapse back into my depressive thoughts but I'm surrounded by good people who have supported me through my lowest moments. My faith in Christ has been the foundation for my recovery and writing has really helped me release pent up tension.
 So eventually things do get better because I can't sugar-coat it and tell you that all problems magically disappear in one go. They don't. The human mind is fragile and there are some things we can never fully recover from but we learn to live with it. We learn to slowly release all pain and anguish and finally allow love back in because it's possible and we are awesome.