I've been listening to this song for I don't know how long ...... "Jodi tor daak shune keu na ashe, Tobe ekla cholo re."
And my reaction to this has always been "Been there, done that". I've been brave enough to walk life's path alone when nobody cared/dared enough to walk with me. But God it's been TOUGH. So tough that I've wanted to give up so many times. So tough that I've broken down and made a mess of myself. But then too I've finally mustered the courage to pick myself up from the debris and plundered on. Struggled on. On and on. Indefinitely.
And through it all I've known the two sad truths of my life (and maybe every body's life):
1. That you're always alone.
2. That you'll always have to move on.
No matter what happens. No matter where you are. No matter what you do. You're always going to be alone. People might say they're with you. They might give you all the support they can. But at the end of the day, they are they and you are you. You are alone in your you-ness (if you will forgive my crudeness). And eventually you are alone. Achingly alone. Desperately alone. Despairingly alone. Inevitably alone.
And unlike other people I don't like being alone. I don't enjoy it. I don't want it. Being alone makes me feel lonely. And feeling lonely makes me need people. But I'm so tired of needing. Needing something, someone, anything, anyone. For once in my life, I want to be free. Free to be me. Free to define myself. Free to decide what I give and what I take. Free in the truest sense of the word. Free. Free. FREE.
Free to stop whenever I want to. Free to break down when I can't take it anymore. Free to give up when I can't go any further. Free to say "I won't go on". But I can't. I'm like the proverbial show which has to go on. But who's my audience ? Who's watching ? Why are they so important ? Why is it an unconditional statement ? Why do they say "Irrespective of everything Piyali, you have to go on and do it. Irrespective of everything there's no stopping or giving up or breaking down for you. Never ever." ?
And to everything they say I feel like saying "Never ??????? We'll see." Even saying that would be a victory. A small but definite victory over my unknown, unseen enemies. For finally it is me who has the last word. Who decides what will happen next. Is it not ??
" Raat ke rath par aane waale .....
Neend ka ras barsane waale .....
Itna kar de , ki meri ankhen bhar de ....
Ankhon me basta rahe .....
Sapna ye sajta rahe ..... "