Everybody is out to get me.  It’s personal.  It’s all about me.  Of course it’s not.  This is stupid and all these grievances (except one) in the grand scheme of things mean absolutely nothing.

So…. the purpose of the list is to present all the factors that are contributing to my overall crunchiness to the universe in an attempt to air, then exorcise them.  Because right now?  Today?  I could not be any sicker with myself than I am right now.

1.       My hair is gray.  GRAY.  There is no way around it.  I have to dye it every four weeks unless I want to look like Joan Baez. FUCK.

2.       And it won’t grow.  Plus, this piece hangs down on the left side of my face always falling onto my lip glossed lips and sticking.

3.       I am done with winter.

4.       I am done with wearing a scarf.  Frankly, it’s amazing that I haven’t yet:

a.       Choked myself

b.      Hung myself

c.       Set myself on fire

5.       My face is breaking out for no apparent reason.  Not even hormonal.  It has to be stress.  But why would I be stressed?  Oh right…

6.       I am done with planning this wedding.  And by done, I don’t mean ‘Woo, I’m done!’  I mean, ‘Stick a fork in me.’

7.       I hate the people on the train in the morning that stand in the door and don’t budge.

8.       I despise even more that no matter what time I get to the platform, there are four-five trains going in the opposite direction for every one going into Manhattan.

9.       I’m extremely worried about my cousin’s health.

10.   That stupid, locker room, low-ceiling shower of ours LOVES to run out of hot water mid shampoo.

11.   Allergies.  Yes, in the middle of winter.  I look like I have pinkeye.

12.   I haven’t gotten decent exercise for months.

13.   My left elbow kills all the time.  I know it’s probably caused by some ergonomic misfire of mine at my veal booth desk and I should go to the doctor, but I’m lazy.

14.   My stockings have three runs in them, none of which I noticed until this morning.

15.   Work is boring me.

16.   Why won’t New Orleans vendors respond in a timely manner?

17.   My purse does not quite work in my new bag – the straps are everywhere and keep getting snarled.

18.   It’s going to snow AGAIN, which will undoubtedly impede Big Yellow Hair’s ability to get to PA in a timely manner for my shower this weekend, and probably delay my brother and his family on Friday.  See item #3.

19.   Why do people keep talking about McDonald’s at lunch when really the only lunches I’m allowing myself between now and the wedding are salad and soup?  STOP TALKING ABOUT MCDO!

And so this is what they mean when they say that even the most even-keeled person freaks out the month before the wedding.  “They” are correct.

Now, let’s put things in perspective:

1.       I am incredibly lucky, period.

2.       I have a fiancé who puts up with my craziness when I get all mental and crabby.

3.       My bridal shower is this weekend, and even if a few fewer people are coming than planned thanks to the weather, it’ll still be a wonderful day.

4.       The mere fact that Big Yellow Hair is even attempting to come to the shower is -- well, I don’t even have words.

5.       I have a good job, people respect me, and I can make faces at my boss when clients piss me off and he laughs.

6.       I should stop bitching about the subway, because hello, I live in New York City.  Deal.  Also, my commute is one stop.  ONE.  Is it the 2+ hour trek I used to do from Pennsylvania?  No.  So shut it.

7.       Oh yeah!  That mascara I bought yesterday is totally waterproof and lengthens!  Even with allergy eyes!

8.       That bag that my strappy purse sits in, annoying me?  It’s Tory Burch.  I LOVE it like I have not loved a bag in years.  YEARS.  The solution to my problem is simple – replace the strappy bag with one of my clutches so I can carry around the Tory and stop bellyaching every time I can’t locate my keys.

9.       I fit in my wedding dress, with room.  That was not the case when I bought it, so there.

10.   My hair might be gray, but I have hair.  And oh boy is this mop getting cut off after the wedding.  I cannot wait.

11.   I get to see the little Lilac this weekend!

12.   This wedding, when all is said and done, will be the bomb. Dot com.  I am really, really, really excited about it in the micro, and I’m really really really excited about spending my life with Blue Eyes in the macro.

So, I guess I just need to breathe.  I will snap out of this at some point.

I really am done with winter, though.

[UPDATE: per the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse out there yesterday/today, my boss of all people just reminded me that it's probably a good luck charm for the marriage, even though it's really annoying.  Plus, my friend Becki got married *in* a frigging March snowstorm and she's still happily married 15 years later, so I'm shutting up now.]

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