Source material for this post

Oh look, another masculinity check. This time it touches topics I haven't written about (I don't think) in my nearly two decades on this blog.

Let's see what the real men are this time, according to this Patrick Armen dude whose qualifications I'm unsure of. 

1)  He has an unshakeable sense of humour

So right away we rub up against my biggest pet peeve with these lists. Shouldn't "real women" have unshakeable senses of humour? Shouldn't people? What is male about a joke?

All my life I've heard that comedians are funnier than comediennes. I just asked Eva if she felt this was the case, and she does. I asked her why and she said "well, men are just funnier." 

"So men are funnier because...men are funnier?"

"I don't know. Maybe better senses of timing or something."

All my top comedians are male, but the single funniest routine I ever saw live was Nikki Payne's. The women of my acquaintance all have what I judge to be great senses of humour, and many of them are quick with jokes...but their entire identity isn't built around being funny, the way many male identities are. 

I think that starts early. Boys supposedly mature later than girls. How much of that is nature and how much is nurture I have no idea; I do know that boys are not encouraged to be mature. Quite the opposite, in fact. And immaturity is often branded "funny"...witness the "class clown" concept. I'm sure they exist, but I have never heard of a class clown who was a girl. 

But humour is, yes, absolutely essential to get through life. For any gender.

2) He has a profound sense of purpose

You know I'm going to push back on this, right? Mostly because that particular module wasn't pre-installed in me and I have no idea who I'd be if it was?

Let me please change "purpose" to "self".  He -- and I really do protest that it has to be "he" -- has a profound sense of self. The Oracle at Delphi said "Know thyself" and Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living" and they were both right.

I think having a deep understanding of who you are, which  tools your toolbox is missing and which ones you're expert at using -- that's more important than a "purpose". It could well give rise to a purpose. If it doesn't, it at least gives you a decent facsimile, which is self-improvement for its own sake.

3) He takes care of his body

Okay, this is one bullet point I'll bite on and admit (a) yeah, people (again of all genders, I'm going to stop saying it, but it rankles) should take care of their bodies and (b) I don't.

I don't because I have never in my life experienced anything analogous to a "runner's high". Exercise is painful for me if it involves any sort of stretching, and they're all supposed to. I sweat, I cramp, I hyperventilate, and I hurt. None of that feels like anything I should be seeking out. And diet? Look. I get it. Food is not supposed to taste good. Food is medicine and exercise is medicine and I'll be damned if I live on Buckley's Mixture and Vicks Vaporub. 

I might have a health scare (in ten seconds!) that would force me to reevaluate my priorities and give up eating food that's edible. And I know it shouldn't take one. I eat better than I used to but that's a low, low bar. At some point you have to decide if you're going to live a long, healthy and miserable life or a shorter, less healthy but life worth living. 

4) He is patient

A virtue I do have. In most contexts I have the patience of Job. And it serves me well, just as it would anyone, and yeah I can't get off the arrogance needed to suggest only men should have these qualities, so while I'll continue to write "he", substitute whatever pronoun you care about). 

Still have a quintessentially male problem-solver's  attitude. If somebody says she has a problem (men don't tell me they have problems, more's the pity), I'll sit with her in it but I still want it solved so she doesn't have to deal with it anymore. It's taken me my whole life to accept (without understanding) that for many people, the problems are not there to be solved, but just lived with, occasionally griped about, and commiserated with.

Shout out to my stepdad, who modelled patience every day and who would be shocked to see his patience implanted into me. He never got the sense I listened to his tides of words, but enough of them washed over me that they absorbed. 

Sharing this next one in its entirety, because I have very little to say here that this doesn't say. 

5) He is loving

A real man is completely in love with life, his woman and himself. As such, his steps are light on the ground, and his presence is like a breath of fresh air in a damp room. Nothing can shake his overwhelming love.

Fear, insecurities and jealousy have no place in this man's life. Sure, he will feel each and every one of them here and there, but they are not enough to shake him off his path. Love is the greatest power on Earth.

How to be this way? Start your days with gratitude, and let it snowball. Really take a look outside, watch the sun rise in all its glory and contemplate how special that moment is.

When you leave the house, notice how incredible it is to be alive. Watch the people rushing off to work or getting their morning coffee, and love them.

People have their own unique set of struggles and pains. Learn to love.

In Love with himself, Ken? Narcissist much?

No, no, no, that's love directed inwards. Whereas love directed outwards from the heart of you -- not your literal heart, your core -- must of necessity infuse yourself first.

A reminder of the mechanism at work here: Giving transforms having into being. You can have love, but only by "doing it" -- get your minds out of the gutter, that's no place to do it -- can you be loving. 

I will of course also change the word "woman" to "companion" because (a) some guys are gay; (b) this really shouldn't be exclusive (I'm not going there, but it shouldn't be: you ought to love everyone in your life to the extent you can. The forms that love takes are up to you and your beloveds.)

This next one, too, deserves to be quoted whole. 

6)  He is spiritual

A real man is profoundly spiritual. He recognizes a life of value is one of depth and truth. He lives a fully conscious life.

Sure, he doesn't mind the occasional toy, but he is aware of its transitory nature. He never lets it define who he is.

In short, his confidence is not contingent upon anything but himself.

How to become spiritual? You don't need to be a monk; all you really need to do is slow down.

Just pay attention to how fascinating life is. Notice how everything that happens, good or bad, is just a part of the great journey. Don't hate your sorrows and wish for them to go away; accept them as part of the story.

Take time to observe yourself and to be aware of who you are. Sooner or later, you will discover there is so much more to you than you previously thought.

I could not agree more strongly with every last word of this but two: "man" as always, but also another that really doesn't belong in any of these points and thus invalidates the whole exercise as it is currently framed. 

"Real."

Real people are works in progress. That would apply to all of us..some of us work more slowly is all. A real person need not be any of these things but should be working towards at least some of them. That said, it must also be stressed that there is no finish line here. The more I learn, the more I have to learn. 

But this is really the heart of life. I know women who believe there is nothing particularly deep about them. The same women believe there is nothing particularly special about them, either.  They are wrong on both accounts and I endeavour to show them so over time. That's one of the things I mean when I say "I love you".

7) He isn't afraid of commitment

I'm liking this list much more than most of its ilk.

And this has lessons for me, even as I pride myself on my commitments. 

I recognize that life is transitory. Roger Whittaker taught me this when I was very, very young:

When they begin the overture

They start to end the show

When you said "I'll never leave you,"

Then I knew that you would go

The sound of all our laughter

Is now echoed in a sigh

And the first time that we said hello

Began our last goodbye

But I do confess I do need help with "Do your actions match your desires? Commit to change." Fundamental contentment with my life holds me back here. My life could be better. In my better life the road treks would be plane treks. Do I want plane treks enough to get a second job? Ummm....

8) He has impeccable taste

I agree with what this is saying but I wouldn't call it taste. "A real man lives free of imposed trends and fashions. Instead, he finds what speaks to his heart and values it. By doing so, he makes it cool, and he makes it valuable."

I've always thought "taste" was linked to imposed trends and fashions -- at least the tastes people deign to mention with approval. My tastes are simple and I like them that way. Function over form, comfort over all. If you have different values, that's fine: I will insist that mine are NOT a function of my socioeconomic standing. I do buy quality when I can afford it, and I am acutely aware of Terry Pratchett's Boots Theory. 

9) He brings out a woman's inner beauty

Again broadening this to be more representative: you bring out the inner beauty of those closest to you. 

The quote here is not one I've seen but one I really like. 

When I say that all my woman are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are... glorious, radiant, spectacular and perfect because I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react to me the way that they do, Don Octavio, because they sense that I search out the beauty that dwells within until it overwhelms everything else.

--Don Juan De Marco

I'm nobody's Don Juan, or Casanova, or especially not Romeo (that wasn't a love story; that was the story of a three day relationship between a 13 and 17 year old that caused SIX DEATHS). And women actually don't react to me as if I were. But I don't have to try to see women in this manner. I just do, and always have. The quote I've always used for this concept comes from Patrick Rothfuss: 

“No, listen. I've got it now. You meet a girl: shy, unassuming. If you tell her she's beautiful, she'll think you're sweet, but she won't believe you. She knows that beauty lies in your beholding...And sometimes that's enough.

 "But there's a better way. You show her she is beautiful. You make mirrors of your eyes, prayers of your hands against her body. It is hard, very hard, but when she truly believes you...Suddenly the story she tells herself in her own head changes. She transforms. She isn't seen as beautiful. She is beautiful, seen.”

10) He has firm boundaries

Very important. We all need these. It's called self-respect. It's called "do no harm, but take no shit". It's called standing up for your values and your vision, and especially standing up when the values around you are not yours. 

So I went into this expecting to tear it apart and found I agreed  with virtually all of it -- so long as it isn't just aimed at men and so long as we all understand that your REALNESS means your flaws, the flaws you're working to correct but which do show themselves from time to time.