Why is it so easy for us to forget how loved we are? Why is it so easy for those old tapes to start playing again and those roots of rejection to remind us that they are still there. At least for me, even though I have made so much progress, it can still creep back in.
When things aren't looking the way I think they should look, I don't ride the quake (as Collin said), I try to control the quake. But really, I have learned better and do know better. I've gotten good at just going with the flow...except in matters of the heart. When it comes to that, nope. I control the quake.
I've been thinking and meditating on this A LOT this week. I think (no, I'm sure) it's directly related to all that I've been through with men. AKA: I don't trust men. Period. I don't trust them to mean what the say, I don't trust them not to cheat on me, I don't trust them not to come on strong and then cool quickly, and I don't trust them to say they'll call when they're going to call or text when they're going to text. I read into every bit of silence or every delayed response. Yeah,you name it, I've been through it, and that all translates into I don't trust men.
The thing is that I don't mean to and it drives me crazy when I do. It's like knowing you don't really want that cake and it's not good for you, but there you are eating it. Even as you're putting the fork in your mouth, you're like nope, don't need this. I know better, I want better. But the wounds are still there and they run really, really deep.
And that really sucks for the man I'm with that just might be an actual honest man with integrity. It sucks for him that he will need to bear the brunt of the history I have with other men until those wounds are healed through consistent trust-building. And that might take a while. Yeah, it's going to be a long road for him and he will need to be stronger than any other man I've met yet. Because I'm a force to be reckoned with (insert "just sayin'" emoji here).
So where to start? I've done everything I know to do. I don't know that I can DO anything to fix this. I can try to control and discipline my thoughts so that they don't take on a life of their own. The good thing is that I've always been good at being open and vulnerable with people. And I've gotten pretty good at asking for what I need and at setting boundaries. Beyond that, is it really in my control to heal this? Or is it going to be in his job-description to act in a way that not only does no further damage, but that begins to heal me.