(Ah, so here's the problem with writing blogposts offline - I write them, save them, but then forget to post them. :sigh: I wrote this 4 days ago.)

Random thoughts:

Here we are in Israel where fertility treatments are free.

I am - barely - within the age range to get free treatments.

Hubby's spermcicles are back in Canada.

Hubby's spermcicles were retrieved via surgery. "On demand" contributions are not an option for us.

It would cost a fair amount of money to send our spermcicles from Canada to Israel.

We don't have jobs yet in Israel, and with ulpan (Hebrew classes), it's likely we won't have any serious work for a few months yet.

Money is tight.

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Don't you just love the irony? Before, in Canada, when we were both going through rough spots with work and had no money, we had to pay for IVF. Now IVF is free, we again have no money and we have to pay to get the spermcicles from Canada to Israel. Crap in a basket.

For better or for worse, I've never been one of those people who would do anything to have a baby. I will do a lot, spend all our savings, undergo gobs of procedures, stand by my man while he undergoes gobs of procedures, including multiple surgeries. But I'm not sure if I'm willing to put myself through all that again, especially while I'm trying to adapt to living in a different country, with a new language and customs and beaureaucracies.

I keep thinking about how every stage of every step of every single thing we've done to try to get pregnant was a battle. First we have an expensive reversal that failed. Then we have MESA that cost a fortune. Then we both wind up unemployed, using what's left of our savings to have one IVF. That failed. After we waited for months while I lost enough weight to satisfy the RE. And then we sit there for ages with all these frozen bits while we try to scrape up enough money to do another cycle. That failed. Of course, I'm glossing over all the details of each cycle - the cancel/don't cancel/you should cancel/wait one more day, one egg/two eggs/two blasts/one blast drama. And all I can conclude is that I'm a big whiny weiner because so many other people have gone through so much more in their efforts to have a baby. And they didn't give up as easily as I feel I'm giving up (although to be fair, we haven't "officially" given up yet).

Are all these challenges G-d's way of saying, "sorry hon' it ain't gonna happen" and I'm just not getting it? Or is it, "can you handle the challenges of raising a child? Let's see how you handle these tests first." And oops. I guess I'm failing.

Seriously, I just don't know. I honestly don't know if I can face another cycle. The physical toll of doing a cycle is always very hard on me. It takes me a long time to bounce back from a cycle. And emotionally? Well, the whole egg thing practically kills me each time, and then of course, there's the BFN. I just don't know if I can take another "no."

And then an Infertile Myrtle friend of mine successfully has a baby (Mazal tov!), changes her Facebook status to "is in love" and it makes me wonder if I can face all the no's on the chance that maybe I can have a yes and feel like that, too.

Shabbat shalom.