I can’t write much in my blog anymore.  Everything that I want to write about has to do with GF and it’s all personal stuff.  It would be eff’ed up for me to write about it.

All I can say is that GF is pressuring me to have sex with her.  She’s pressuring me more than any guy would.

It’s the validation thing…same as a guy wanting sex for validation.  To make sure I’m really into her.   She’s coming at me from all angles, trying to sell it.  What ever happened to her waiting until marriage?  I don’t know, but I really loved that about her…

She doesn’t trust me is what it is and she has every right not to trust me.  I don’t know if I’ll like it, I really don’t.  All I know is that as of right now, I can’t.  I just can’t.  And she know’s it, hence the pressure.

Oh Melanie……what are you doing?

I love her so much….but I just can’t.  I can’t.  But I must!  But I can’t.  It’s just such a personal experience!  More personal than when I’m with a guy.  It’s more personal and more embarrassing.  Erections are easy, penis’s can be fun.  But an emotional vagina that sheds tears of blood each month?  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

But I love her.  She’s so smart.  She wrote me a song.  Why does she have to move so fast?  We only officially started dating on September 18th, I can’t just change teams like that – so fast.  There has to be a warm-up.  More warm-up please.  I don’t even sleep with men that quick!

I don’t watch lesbian porn.  They stick too many things up there and it looks painful, plus there’s no fun dick involved.

What am I doing.

But I love her.  She makes me happy.  Right now I’m a wreck, but I’m usually happy.

I gave her a ride yesterday to her Dad’s house and we had a long talk.  She’s so worried.  Worried that I’m not into her.  These talks started maybe a week and a half ago, each talk getting more elaborate and involved than the last.  Yesterday was the peak.

I have to set a date for when it happens.  I can’t lose her.  I can’t let this one go.  She’s too perfect.  It’s just that, I had a major panic attack a mere few weeks ago simply by holding her hand!  What kind of panic will I experience with this other, much more intimate thing?  Can you imagine?  Oh God…Oh Melanie…

It’s like she’s living in a movie, some fantasy world where everything is perfect.  Real life is more complicated.  And I told her I’m straight, she knew what she was getting herself into.  I’ve been nothing but honest with her.  People can and DO change, but it doesn’t happen overnight.  Everyone is different.

I used to enjoy dropping her off at home after hanging out.  We’d make out a little and that was that.  “See you tomorrow!  Bye!”

But now it’s, “can you sleep over?”

I love my bed…

And she berates me about sex when I drop her off at the end of the night.  Dropping her off, means getting an ear-full.  I’ve grown to not look forward to it anymore.  I want to go home and play video games like the good ol’ days.

She’s so aggressive.  Like, intensely aggressive.  She’s supposed to be this sweet, innocent virgin who’s never been with anyone, but with me she’s the opposite of that.  How am I the innocent shy one in this?  And why the hell does she love me so much?

I’m going to set a date.  It has to happen.  I can’t live with myself if I don’t do it.  I’d always regret not doing it, I know that about me.  And I also told her to lay off with the pressure and she said she will stop.  She’s really good at obeying the law when I lay it down.  She also said she’d wait and she’ll be patient, so tonight when I drop her off it’ll be different and I won’t have to dread it.  I can relax.

GF and I went to visit my friend, Susie, last Saturday and Susie gave us each a tarot card reading.  We asked about our relationship.  According to the cards, we’ll end up together and live a happy life.  I believe it.  I believe I can be very happy with her.  As long as she remains patient and understanding.