It’s 4am. I am at peace with myself. I just left the gym and the cool breeze made me feel at one with the world. I am a happy man.

My night tonight consisted of cruising Craigslist Portland on the m4m section, then getting the energy to hightail it to the gym. Once there I ran and lifted weights. I hit the sauna, naked of course, then showered the night away. I took my time getting dressed - as I always do. It’s less of an exhibition thing and more of just wanting to make the moment last a little longer. It’s 4am and I have nowhere to be.

While sitting in the sauna I played with my dick a little, not with the intentions of coming, I just felt like it. I have these insane fantasies of some horny guy coming in there and proposing a hookup or something. And of course I tell myself that I would rebuff any proposition but say something like, “how about I watch?” Then I roll my eyes for I’m a weird little pervert. I’d probably be a total nervous wreck if that ever happened. A boy can dream (that some guy would ask to be sucked off and i could give him something to blog about.)

Speaking of which the last two days were crazy. The wife and I had this big talk in our driveway and in a shopping mall parking lot. We kind of have to as we don’t have the house to ourselves at the moment. It was about my polyamory and what I want. The last couple of conversations that we have had have started out with her saying, “now I know you want to have a boyfriend…” But this conversation was a little more intense. She admitted to me that she was having an extremely hard time wrapping her mind around everything. I vented to her about my frustration with her- feeling as if we have been skirting the issue. We agreed that no one was at fault because neither of us had an open safe space to talk about it- that our not talking about it was by necessity and not choice.

She asked me what I wanted out of being with a man. I told her OBVIOUSLY the “gay” sex. “I want to suck a dick… You know. I want to be able to cuddle with a man. I want to be able to be with a man who knows me and chooses to be with me, who’s there for me.” It was the first time that I specifically stated what I wanted. You see… She keeps getting caught up in terms and labels. “So you want a Fuck buddy?” Words like “fulfillment” and “sleeping around.” Were used. Perhaps my thoughts are too abstract and she’s trying to find familiarity in what I’m asking for.

Maybe I do need to be clear cut about who this person is going to be and what that relationship is going to look like. To be honest I kind of want it to form organically and see where it goes. In my dream world I would meet a nice man who is 25-35 years old and is looking to be in a sexual loving friendship. Ideally he would be independent, having his own thing established and I could keep my life unobstructed of someone who wants commitment. If I could meet someone who is in that age range who is kind, emotionally intelligent, and looking for friendship, Love and sex without expecting exclusivity or a huge amount of my time… That would be awesome. (Holy hell that was a run on sentence.)

Wifey asked me a while ago if I would be jealous if he was dating other people and I gave it some thought and said no. How could I justify feeling jealous and demanding “monogamy” from someone when I don’t believe in it. Now… If said fantasy boyfriend was indulging in risky sex practices (drug use, unprotected etc) and not getting tested… Then I would probably end that nonexistent relationship. For me communication and honesty is key. Who am I to police what someone else does with their body as far as their needs and desires go? I guess that I don’t understand jealousy and I know for sure that I find jealousy to be an unattractive trait.

Later that night She and I got drunk off wine. It was a long time coming. We often will have a drink or two and spend the night talking about our feelings and our marriage. We had other people in the house so we couldn’t talk. Although… we did in other ways. I would be astonished if that wasn’t the best fuck of my life. I said things that I normally don’t say. I got to taste every inch of her body. It was the hottest thing ever! We had missed each other severely. It’s hard to fuck when your mother in law is down the hall but that night we didn’t care.

So here I am, Sir. I’m a 28 year old Bi fag guy who loves to fuck his wife and go to the gym sauna to fantasize about being reamed by some dad bod packing motherfucker. I will not apologize for being who I am and loving/living life on my terms. I love me and I deserve to be happy.