I’ll do whatever you ask for
But if you want my love
You can only find it on the dance floor

Over the years I have spent a lot of time and energy focusing on my desire to be with a man. To be honest throughout that time I have developed a small fear: an anxiety point that made me feel uneasy. My worry was that when i took that first bite of the apple that everything in the world would change.

While I’m Confident in my desires, feeling emotionally and physically attracted to a variety of people of different genders, it was hard for me to feel completely confident when i hadn’t interacted with a guy. (Run on sentence I know.) Touchy people out there may yell, “You don’t have to have experience to know!” and i would agree with them, but still in the back of my mind i had a small nagging question mark. What happens if biting the apple (experiencing a man) leaves me a total mess? What happens if the feeling i get from whatever i do is so overwhelming I can’t “unopen that door” so to speak. I think it’s a very legitimate question to ask one’s self and does not delegitimize one’s self identity. I was confident in my bisexual desires but didn’t know what would happen when it happened… you know?

Rewind to last weekend. At a strip club, music is playing. There’s not really a dance floor or is there? My memory is a little blurry. I’m standing perhaps watching a stripper. Someone is in front of me. He’s part of the posse i was with. He’s cute. He’s about my height. Glasses, very cute. He’s Dancing. He’s dancing with me. The music is nice. This boy has moves. He’s squatting down, getting lower while looking at me. I say, “damn boy someone has been working on his squats.” I grab his ass or he grabs mine? We’re dancing and feeling the music. In a room full of half naked/full naked strippers and other cute partygoers… he’s all that I can focus on. We’re dancing face to face. My head moves towards his… I bob my head Knowing and not knowing what that would do. Instinctive maybe but it worked, he read what it was that i was trying to do. I move towards his mouth, he tilts his towards mine. Our lips touch, our tongues, I can feel my hands messing up his coiffed hair. I’m moving my fingers around the back of his head, not knowing whether i’m taking in more the kiss or how soft his hair feels. Kody with a K, Kody with a K. How long did we make out on the dance floor? Time didn’t exist.

Somehow I ended up with him sitting near me on a couch. Legs over mine. I wish i had spent some time talking to him. Actually I don’t remember him talking much at all. I think about him more than i care to admit.

On the way home, we sat in the back seat. I leaned over and we kissed again. Again, i should have spent some time talking to him.

So did it change my life? Did it change who i found attractive, how i felt, how deep the feelings go? I want to say that him and I had chemistry. Gosh I hope he wasn’t just entertaining a drunk asshole, but i felt chemistry. It was magic. AND not because I was drunk. Maybe alcohol enhanced the feelings, but it was magic.

No, it didn’t change how i felt about men or women. While powerful AND wonderful it didn’t shatter my world. I say this with no detriment to him, he and i quote “Kody rock’s fucking ass!” As I said earlier, all i could focus on was him. When i say that he didn’t shatter my world, I mean that he didn’t change the way that i viewed my desires, my self identity, what gets my dick hard, who i am emotionally attracted to. While kissing Kody felt different than kissing my wife, it didn’t feel different in a better way. It was sexy as fuck, he tasted like something sweet, beautiful and it was different, good.

I died that night. At least that small anxiety died, that version of me. I like men. I STILL like women. I liked that man very much. I AM Poly. And i do want to continue on this road. I was reborn a confident man, more sexually confident and you guessed it: confident of the truth in his feelings.

Even though I bit the apple and will deal with whatever happens because of it, i am happier knowing the truth about myself.