"Don't tell me you're sorry 'coz you're not. Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught."
My favorite line in my favorite Rihanna song, Take A Bow. I find the song so cool, haha, a very sarcastic song for those traitors and liars. The line does make sense actually. A liar would only say sorry once he was caught in the act of cheating. But nowadays, even when these people are already caught, they still wont admit their faults. Talking about traitors, this is from the song Yugto by Rico Blanco.
"Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Tatawagin kang kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Pupulupot sa leeg mo't sisipsip ng iyong dugo
Ipapako ka sa krus kapag ikaw ay natuyo"

Sept 19, 2008
Oh well, I'm still actually recovering from a previous shock I had recently. I guess I have to write random thoughts just to bring me back to my senses and release all my emotions that have been bugging me. Yeah, I really felt so stupid for worrying about someone and it turned out to be something ridiculous. I really felt embarrassed for acting that way and for feeling I was someone so important. I forgot I was a nobody. Damn my pride and damn my ego! Yeah right, expecting something leads to expecting nothing at all. Ha, what a fool I have been! And what a spoiled brat I have been! Why care? Even the least of your friends don't even care at all. They leave you hanging on to empty promises and next thing you know you look stupid expecting for nothing at all. Why worry? All your feelings go to waste. Why hang on to them? You're not even sure you can rely on them. Why believe? Yah like me, they're not perfect anyway. Yeah whatever, then they call themselves your friend? Sweet.

"Never Rely On Anyone Or Anything, That Way, You'll Never Get Hurt."

I've been noticing it. People nowadays are losing their word of honor. I have no intention of becoming like them. My mom taught me to become professional in making appointments. If you can't make it, make an effort to tell them beforehand for they are expecting you. If you're late, tell them immediately that you're on the way, or else you'll get left behind. It's a matter of trust and concern. How could you trust someone who doesn't even show up? How could you rely on someone who tends to forget that they just recently made a promise? Reminds you of politicians, eh? Yeah but even if I make an effort on becoming "professional", I just sometimes feel these efforts all go to waste. Siguro I'll just be professional with those who are also regard professionalism as important. For others, it's even more tempting to break a promise you made to them that they too may feel how bad it is. Ha, how disgraceful! I agree we all have shortcomings sometimes. We tend to forget and we all have faults in our short term memories, but I just wish they'd be all more honest with their answers rather than hiding from me or making lame excuses. Just make it straight, "I'm sorry I forgot" or rather "I'm sorry, I forgot all about you." Naalala ko tuloy si Mr. Magtataho lagi nalang nagtatago dahil hindi nakasipot sa Computer Class. Paano pa ako makakakain ng taho kung ganyan? Halos magkatarantahan tuloy kami lahat sa NSTP namin sa paghahagilap ng mga bagong studyante dahil lahat ng nagvolunteer di nagsiputan. Tell me, what the heck is wrong with you people. Hay!!! Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. I guess old people are right, people nowadays are lacking in discipline. How immature!

Speaking of maturity, I researched in the internet and found answers in wikiHow.
Legend:
(My PersonalComments)

• Tone down your fashions. First impressions do count. You can still wear brightly colored clothes, but look at the fit and the style. (I guess being simple looks neat)
  
• Use manners. Try to be courteous without being stuffy or inflexible.
  
• When meeting new people, shake their hand. A solid grip, but not too hard, two pumps of the hand and let go. Don't look at your hands; look them in the eye. Repeat their name and make an effort to remember it. (I guess this is for formal occasions, ne? Hehe, I remember me and Klang doing this hand-shaking thing in NSTP class. Creepy!)
  
• Avoid interrupting people during conversation; people find this irritating. (This is the reason why I look antisocial sometimes. I don't want sticking my nose in other people's business. I don't even know how to start a conversation with a group of people)
  
• Don't play with things, look away, or fidget. (This is hard, man! I'm always interested and curious in everything. I can't stay stiff all the time, my body's going to get numb)
  
• Think before you speak. If you can't think of anything to say, or don't have anything nice to say, then say nothing. (100% agree. This is important and this goes to everyone out there.)
  
• Listen, slightly nod, and say little things like, "Oh, yes," to let them know you are listening. (Will I still do this even I already don't get what the person is talking about? Oh well, if you're listening lang naman eh. You have to let them know you have ears or the person will think na dineadma mo siya)
  
• Remember, when you speak, use facial expressions and be funny as usual, but be more serious in conversation. (Emoticons?! @_@ Serious? It depends on whom you're talking to.)
  
• Be helpful. Hold doors, help pick things up, and offer help and assistance when needed. (Ah, this is just what I need to learn)
  
• Talk about mature things to people: work, life experiences, and life lessons you have learned, or just about how beautiful it is outside. Notice how they carry themselves, how they dress, and how they speak. (Uhm, as I've said I'm not good in formal conversations. Besides, I don't comment on how people act or carry themselves especially when you've just met them. I just uhm, praise them.)
• Try to use proper grammar and spelling whenever you write, including instant messaging and online games. (?_? Nani?!)
  
• Keep an open mind. Just because you have never heard of or tried something, doesn't mean you should shut it out or dismiss the possibility. Rather, see it as an opportunity for you to learn about something (or someone) new and different. (Yeah, keep an open-mind. I wish everybody is open-minded. I want to learn more about other things but sadly they don't know how to express themselves the right way and if I don't get what they say, I'm the one blamed instead. That's when I start losing interest. Sad reality.)
  
• Learn to control your temper. Above all, if somebody does something you don't agree with, try not to shout or carry on. Instead, let it go if it is a minor matter. If you must say something or disagree with someone, do so tactfully and in a conversational tone of voice. You'll find that people respond more positively, too. (Correct me if I'm wrong, people do lose their cool when you talk about something that opposes their beliefs. They get mad immediately but don't even explain it well, so I still don't get it. Sorry! Oh I just wish they would just be like my friend Cindz, she's really polite even when she disagrees with me. She'll say "sorry ha, pero ako kasi hindi ako agree or mahilig sa ganito/ganyan... baka maoffend ka kasi." She'll even say sorry a lot of times, and try to ask me if ok lang ba sa akin. So sweet, ne?)
  
• Don't swear, or at the very least, save the swearing for times that really warrant it. Swearing mainly demonstrates to others that you have poor control over your temper. Instead, try learning some other words to show your displeasure with something. (Uhm, just say, NANI?! Hahaha...)
  
• Accept compliments gracefully. If somebody has taken the trouble to compliment you, the least you can do is appreciate it. (Ah, say thank you! ^_^ Yung iba kasi dyan pinupuri na nga nagagalit pa. O sige na, panget na kayo, PANGET!)
  
• Take criticism gracefully, too. Not all of it is valid, but it is often worth giving some thought to how others see you and what you can improve. (Sana they also teach you how to improve.)
  
• Be mature and polite online, too. (Say, Sumimasen! Ingat sa LOL baka pagkamalan u-lol)
• Turn off your caps lock key and capitalize proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences. (Yah, I know this, kasi if all are capital letters they'll think you're shouting)
  
• Think before you post. Have lots of people already said what you're about to say? Does your post make sense? (Flooding, haha, puro spam! Sa blog ko, dang, di ko lagi nag-iisip bago magpost. haha)
  
• Read and follow the rules. They're there for a reason. (Follow instructions!)
• Proofread before you post. Use complete sentences. (Oh well, I admit, minsan konting mali lang ng grammar iba na meaning)
  
• Go easy on abbreviations ("ur", "LOL"), slang, and emoticons. A sprinkling of these in an informal setting can add color. Too many can make it incomprehensible. (For formal messaging na rin yan)
  
• Avoid trying to be the center of attention all the time. (Aysusme... ako wallflower lang or rather wallpaper, this is no problem for me)
  
• Quit drinking caffeine. This includes coffee, soda, tea and most energy drinks. Caffeine makes you hyperactive, which in turn makes you immature. Try to not drink caffeine, but if you do, take it in small amounts. (I would like to add to quit drinking alcoholic beverages and smoking. It doesn't make sense why they do such vices)
  
• Remember, people will enjoy listening to your contributions if you allow them the chance to speak as well. (Oh yes, try to listen to others to, give them a chance to express themselves. You're not the only one here with a mouth, right?)
  
• If someone burps or passes gas, do not laugh at it. If laughing is inevitable, try not to be the loudest person laughing at it. If you commit such an offense, say, "Excuse me." (Ah sure, that's normal right? You're a hypocrite if you yourself don't do such things.)
  
• Groom yourself neatly. (Haha, yes at least take a bath, comb your hair and brush your teeth, man!)
  
• If you're not sure about the proper etiquette for a particular situation, notice what others are doing and follow suit. Then, make a point to look it up in an etiquette guide when you have a chance. (Ok...)
  
• By the same token, when you enter a new situation or new community, keep quiet for awhile and notice how others conduct themselves. Then, act accordingly. (Ah yes, that's what I always do in a new environment, be a good girl)
  
• Avoid being too mature. Don't take it to the extremes. (yeah, being too mature makes you boring)
• More specifically, do not mistake maturity and conceitedness, you should read this to improve yourself, not in order to be better than the other guy. (Ah, yes, to be mature is to think more of others and be sensitive towards them)
  
• Learning a few Latin phrases and even entire other languages or phrases in other languages can never hurt, it makes you seem more sophisticated and focused on knowledge, which you should be if you want to be mature. (Ah basta, I'll try to read more so that I'll learn more interesting words and finally be able to express myself accurately as possible. I'm bad in communicating and I guess it's not my fault if I don't have the gift of gab. They blame it on me if they don't understand me, but I myself can't even understand what their main point is. I guess they too to don't even know the exact words to say. Marami pa ako kakaining bigas bago ako matutong maging isang fully expressive speaker and if you are an expert on this kindly extend an helping hand. I do hate it when people point at me as if they don't have the fault themselves.)
  

Yeah right, maturity. I guess its much more of being selfless rather than acting like an adult who thinks they're more concerned about "matters of consequence." Of course, I do act mature at times, I even remember one of my best friends, Tonie, telling me I'm motherly. Alright then, I'm an adult at age but I can't completely let go of my childish ways. I always wanted to be young at heart, a promise I made to my friends that binds us together. So how can I let go of that? It has kept me alive and has kept me from being depressed. Yes, that depression was so traumatic. It was a real paranoia and never would I want to experience that again. You cry and no matter how everyone around you tries to lift your spirits up still it doesn't work. You try to do something else just to be distracted from your feeling but still nothing good happens. It's as if you're good as nothing. It's painful almost like real hell. Besides how can I grow up if almost everyone around me acts like a kid? How can I make children stories if I reach up to level of Sen. Miriam Santiago's thinking? I've missed a lot of my young teenage days and I'm still craving for it. I didn't fully experience what teens are supposed to have done during my age and I'm still yearning for it. If I could only go back to my childhood days and play again like I used to before. I was locked up from almost everything, and that can't be completely anybody's fault. I try to be independent but will never be independent. Yeah, I even dreamed of becoming a wanderer and I'll just wander along looking for adventures. Oh I even remember Tonie, telling me, I am a dreamer, a virgin and a fortune teller. The last one sounds weird but she means I can ocassionally guess things right. But unfortunately, a sick person like me can never be alone in her life. My family will always and always worry about me since I'm their only child, their only hope. I was treated like a baby and sadly, I know nothing much of the world's ways and it's embarrassing to tell you that I will always be ignorant of something unless someone teaches me how.

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." - Confucius

Well, okay fine, I acted like Sai. I researched on the net on how to be mature. But I guess no one can else can teach me about maturity and besides, they say that it comes at the right time and is not to be forced on anyone. You could only be yourself at the moment and love the way you are right now. You just learn from life and finally if you apply the lessons you've learned it's when you become mature. But now I think I understand Sai more. I know how determined he is to change his ways and I admire him for that. He's so eager to experience a real bond of friendship with others, and to do that he has to resort to different ways including references such as books and written materials. Without anyone to guide him not even Danzou, who else can he cling onto? It just turns out to be so funny, him being an innocent boy. Haha. I guess I'm just as innocent as he is. Im just uhm scared of books like that. Hehe... I'd rather read fiction. *giggles* Btw, think of it, what if Sai has started reading the bible? How about making a fic out of that idea eh? *lols* Makes me realize we don't learn from experience alone, we have learned something else from what our previous generations have taught us and more likely from the words of the wise men who have gone before us. And those wise men? They put those thoughts in Scriptures or in books.

"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been." - Alan Ashley-Pitt

I know I'm being rude at myself sometimes. Im kinda emo rin pala. Besides, people do emote at certain times of their life, don't they? I really have to release my emotions somewhere or else I'm gonna explode. I'm only human! And for me writing is the best way of relieving my mood. That's why I want to enhance it more. They may sometimes disagree with what I say but I just wish they respect my freedom to express myself. But I'm glad that some people do still believe in me. For those who are well uhm affected, I'm sorry if it also hurts whenever I discourage myself. This is just my way of humbling myself. I sometimes am becoming a bit conceited myself and I have to remind myself that Im just nothing big, not to be regarded as important. Just please understand me, I do get angry too, why? Because I was hurt. In these times, all I need is someone to listen to me and comfort me. If possible, make me laugh. No one has the right to blame me because I already the one blaming myself and once is enough. Yeah, I know this is just self-pity. But whenever I feel this way, I yearn for my best friend for she shares almost the same views with me. And after having a chat with her I will feel a lot better than I was before, remembering I am never alone.

"When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free." - Charles Evans Hughes

But to think about it, nobody knows really much about me at all. They have no idea what I have gone through. They don't know how it all feels and what has been going on inside my mind. I'm kinda complicated individual, an introvert. I have my own reasons for being so. This is me, I am not an open book. People are all quick to judge, yes it does hurt, they criticize you for everything they don't agree with. They may blurt out a joke but they don't know when it can be insulting to me. Dang! I just wish they'd be more careful with their words.
"Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about."

"When no one understands
I'll believe..." - You'll be safe here, Rivermaya
Yes, nobody else can understand me wholly except God. I know I have been stubborn many times just like a prodigal son, who thinks he's unworthy of being called a son, but still great is his father's love for him that he accepted him whole heartedly with no conditions. I do feel low sometimes, I feel embarrassed that I can't live up to his expectations because of my damn stubborness. But no matter what happens I still find myself falling in love with Him all over and over again. He is the only One and will always be my only One, my Lord, my Love. Everything I own, everything I have, everything I am, all came from Him alone. I have no right to replace with Him with anything or anyone else.
"Nobody gonna love me better
I'ma stick wit you
Forever
Nobody gonna take me higher
I'ma stick wit you
You know how to appreciate me
I'ma stick wit you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'ma stick wit you" - StickWitU, PussyCatDolls

He knows exactly what's been going on in my mind, what I want and what I need though I may not say anything or ask of it from Him. He knows that I'm slow to change and I know He patiently waits for me.
"We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love" - One Step At A Time, Jordin Sparks

I maybe godly but I am not a so religious person. Religions drive me crazy. They are divide us and we just cling to ones whom we agree with. Cynical? Oh wutever! Why have I become like this? It's their fault, those arrogant, overzealous preachers and followers who just think they know everything about God's ways as if they've seen God and heaven. They think they have the right to judge every human being on this planet? They already think highly of themselves like the pharisees. This doesn't give them the right to step on and ostracize everyone or every religion that opposes on their beliefs. As if they are the only ones who will be saved! What proof can they give that they are God's right hand? Oh yes, I have experienced being like them before. Now i think of it, it's very unbearable. You wake up and see the world like its very corrupted and you started hating its ways and treating them as ridiculous. You start to criticize and oppose even the ones you love just to prove how righteous you think your beliefs are and how wrong they are. You wanted almost everyone to be like you and believe in what you think and get mad if they don't understand or take you seriously. Yes, it only made me angry even more. I started to isolate from the world and avoid anything I think that would harm my so called "faith" and I would even stop doing the things I loved doing before. Every night I try to escape from the corrupt media and act like a sacred hermit in meditation and prayer. But eventually, I got bored and it finally lead to depression. I realized I won't be happy this way. This is not what God wants me to be. He wants me to enjoy life as it is. After I got well from my sickness, I finally came back to my senses and acted normal just the way I was before, jolly and young again. Everybody can build his or her religion or denomination and claim to be as wise as a prophet. We get drawn by their power to convince and next thing is we all debate and fight and you get lost in all of them claiming that this and that is true or not. No man is perfect, so is a religion that was established by man. Religions don't exist in heaven. There will only be One Truth and One God. Yes, I'm a Catholic but not an adherent. We have different minds that perceive and understand the Word and we have different ways of worshipping. I praise Lord, and love Him my Own way. I may just sit here in silence but my heart and soul will always and always be admiring and yearning for Him. Yes, I yearn for truth but truth will always be twisted in this imperfect world. I learned my lesson, I'll just do my best to be worthy to be with Him, and finally when I die I know He will finally reveal and share this truth to those he love.