I haven’t quit writing so much as I’ve just quit posting. I write it down then I think it’s all Angry or sad or just generally boring. This week I had another one of those experiences that reminded me why I don’t always post things anymore.
I get that I’m totally not easy to get along with all the time. I like to think of it as passionate or fiery or unpredictable. Apparently other people see that as “unpleasant” “difficult” and a little bit of bat shit. I was trying to communicate with my ex-husband. It wasn’t working. It is really difficult for me to accept that someone I used to be able to say anything to, sometimes without even using words, is so damn difficult to talk to.
Sometimes I just want to scream that I'm not really that angry. I'm not mean. I'm not that bad. I'm not like this with everyone. I'd like to think I'm OK really. Hurt comes out like anger. Hurt comes out like bitch. Hurt makes me mean. It's not an excuse. But it's the truth.
Sometimes I just want to scream that I'm not really that angry. I'm not mean. I'm not that bad. I'm not like this with everyone. I'd like to think I'm OK really. Hurt comes out like anger. Hurt comes out like bitch. Hurt makes me mean. It's not an excuse. But it's the truth.
It’s been a couple years now. But some days it feels brand new. It sucks that when we talk about our kids or schedules or anything, I can’t really trust what he says. And I probably won’t ever trust him ever again. It sucks that I’m not sure if I should be able to. It sucks that it has come to this angry, bitter, name-calling, exhausting, emotional mind fuck of conversation.
Remember that part where I have OCD and bi-polar. This immensely complicates things. I need constant reassurance even on my best days from people I trust. That is an obsession with being heard and understood. It annoys the hell out of people close to me. I ask the same question over and over. I repeat my point over and over. I used to do it to him and it drove him nuts back then too. I also rapidly shift up and down in my emotions. Basically I’m just a lot of fun. So I don’t know if the hostility is me, or is it my stupid disease.
I get really angry when I know I should be over this by now. I need to be done with how bad they both hurt me and my kids and my family. I need to grow the hell up and deal. This is our life now. It’s not fair to my awesome husband and kids. But what is the time limit on anger and pain and recovery? What is the acceptable way to communicate with someone with so much bad blood? How do I do this? When does this get easier? When will dealing with him (and her) stop making me feel like a big piece of shit? When do I stop allowing myself to let this break me down? When do I start kicking ass again?
It turns out that I have no idea. All I can control is me. And I’m pretty awesome. I just need a little more practice. And we’ve got a long way to go.
