I get asked about this blog a lot. Or, it’s more like.. whenever people find out that I had/have a blog, they become curious. What I normally tell them is that I had fun with it, and it opened lots of doors for me that I had never even imagined.. so for that, I’m infinitely thankful… but that I no longer have the motivation to maintain it as well as I used to.. which is probably a lie because most of the time, I almost forget that it even exists. I once thought I was completely done with this space, which once used to take up my entire life- this blog, which merely began as a secret “creative playground” for me unexpectedly became my portfolio, then my resume within a span of few years. I remember clearly when a friend kindly suggested that I quit my corporate job and focus on my blog 100%… and how I once thought her comment was absolutely ridiculous. But fast forward a few years and there I was, doing it full time plus a business that started from it. I’m not sure if I can convey this message clearly as I’m still figuring out what Happened to my relationship with this blog the past few years. As some of you loyal subscribers are aware, I not only had this website but every social media platform associated with it which were built to brand and market the site. As you can imagine, a lot of time and effort were put into planning, creating and executing content, and in the process, a lot of traveling, networking, fashion show and event attending happened. Although it may have looked glamorous and fun on the outside, I think deep inside, I didn’t quite get what was happening, as in why I was doing what I was doing, why I wanted to look a certain way, why I had to strive to create good content, etc… Obviously, my goal back then was to create a digital magazine where people could find good content and information that could not be found elsewhere in the most efficient way, like how Hypebeast has done it although not on that scale. Ultimately, I think I lost the “fun” part of it during the process, and ended up draining myself out of energy and creativity. It just wasn’t fun anymore especially with the direction it was going. I had lost control of it by then and along with some personal difficulties at the time, I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I’m not sure how many people experience what I experienced in their lifetime, where you feel like you found your passion finally so you give it everything you got to reach your goals… then you actually get close to them.. (or achieve some of them even)… then you are like, “So, what’s next?” See, as I’m Writing this, I feel extremely insecure about this whole thing (both writing and posting this on the internet) which is something I never had to worry about before this blog became anything other than my (rather) private playground. It got a lot worse after I started writing for a prominent magazine. See, when that opportunity came, I did everything I could to be the best writer because it was a dream come true for me (come on, I had literally become “Carrie”!!) although I lacked a lot in terms of journalism knowledge, format, grammar, and whatnot. I literally knew nothing about it to be honest. I’m still extremely thankful for the opportunity and I wish I could have continued writing for them but at the same time, I must admit that it was extremely stressful probably because of my blogging background. Because I had so much freedom with this blog in terms of writing, when I started receiving criticisms on my work, I started losing confidence. Of course, I was ecstatic whenever my article was published regardless of how short or long it was because I felt like I was finally being accepted as a professional writer, but deep inside, my insecurities continued growing. It took me years to realize that it’s okay to make mistakes both in life and writing. I also realize that people don’t care about you as much as you think they do because they are all busy with their own set of dramas. I really want to be able to freely write stuff here again without having to worry about getting criticized about grammatical errors or whatever stupid content I may write about. This blog began as a way for me to release my creative frustrations and all the crazy, random thoughts that cross my mind throughout the day. I shouldn’t be so afraid to express myself when this is the exact space for that. I’m not a celebrity, and never wanted to be one. Whatever I did was to help someone or something, and as a person with a marketing background, it sort of comes naturally to me to find strategic ways to promote things. In the process of getting myself back the past few years, a lot have changed about me: my interests, the things I do and enjoy, the people I hang with, and most importantly, my character. Obviously I’m still working on it, and will most likely continue until I leave this life, but I’m thankful for everything that happened because I now know for sure that I’m never alone in this journey called life. And those of you that never left despite my being MIA for years, I’m so thankful for you. I honestly feel so vulnerable writing here again, but it looks like I have to, otherwise Amazon will kick me out of their Influencer program soon. haha. More to come!

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