Recap (written in August 2008): Solitude (Part I)


The world is forever changing. Everyone and everything is always evolving, not knowing ultimately whether for better or worse. For her though, certain things still remain the same, although the conditions and the feelings relating to them have probably changed somewhat.

Solitude. The state of being alone.

It was October 2010. She walked around campus on her own as usual, with her worn off black bag, without any particular destination in mind. Rather, she was simply hoping to bump in to maybe one of her classmates around the tables in the study area at one of the building levels, where she had previously seen them hanging around before. That kind of situation might have been a common sight during the usual class days but not really then during the last one month before exam period. The last ever examination she would have in university, and then off she would go to the next phase of life. In her mind, she had no idea what she was going to do. In her mind, yes the exam was around the corner but she was not in the mood to study, simply because she was alone. Where is everyone that she knew and enjoyed talking to? What kind of feeling is this? Shouldn't she be focusing on the exams that would later affect her life later on should she fail in the last semester rather than think about why she felt so alone? Or maybe, it is better to think about the future career and decide what path she should be walking next - like what would be her goal for next year?

But she did not know any of the answers. She was not interested in the answers to those questions right now. What was this feeling? She simply felt empty. She had simply got used to it. That feeling had been with her throughout the years and she never knew how to change it. She kept it all to herself and hid it while she was trying to go on living her life like all her other peers. It simply was not the case of loneliness felt by everyone at some point in time in their life, it couldn't be; because she felt that way way too often, and was an everyday issue back in her adolescent and teenage years. No one seemed to have noticed anything since everyone had often been busy with their own life to take care of and if the problem was even a valid problem, it was not so obvious. She had probably faked her happiness so well, pretending like everything was okay as if it all seemed fine and blissful.

She had always thought it was okay to be on her own. She had always survived. For that, she had to do some things on her own and thus had been able to become somewhat more independent. But in some ways, there were still a lot of things that she had been afraid of and others that she did not know about; in other words, she had always been hiding from and ignoring most of her surroundings until then. She was still a kid inside, not knowing much about real life.

If it had been the similar bad events that have followed through in her life, it only came in because of her own actions. Therefore, her own actions are the cause of her own unhappiness; with that said, only she could do something about it. Only she could work for her own happiness.

Although it was probably a fake world without happiness, sometimes it brings peace. That is why people need to be alone when they don't wanna be disturbed. Still, I know this too well, too much can be harmful for the state of mind. It's just that some people are already used to it - it's a part of our life, people like us. Freakish weirdos of complex, non-talkative and secretive introverted bakas. For me, I learn to give up some part of it to have a bit of good laughter in my life, for a change. As humans, we do need it. I still needed craze.

Not only was the happiness fake, it was also a lonely world for her. It was not peace, just emptiness. Nobody was meant to go through such a complex life, full of secrets and reservation thinking it was simply meant to be. If anything, only the people can change themselves for the better.

Remembering one of the more memorable teachers she had in school, she had always vividly remembered this one woman who had always talked in her Living Skills class about many random and funny things. Although she could not remember her name, she did remember one thing that the teacher said in class.

"The more people you meet, the more matured you'd become."

It did not make any sense back then because she thought, even without meeting up with people, a person can still grow and become a good, matured person as long as she had the right thinking and attitude. But eventually, that statement seems to grow truer as she was growing up and meeting more people than she ever thought she would. It seemed ironic; the only words she never believed in the beginning when she first heard them were the words that she truly believed in later in life and the only thing she ever remembered, to be useful words in life, coming from a teacher. Other words had gone in and out of her head. Those words were memorable enough probably because they were the key to unlock every other problem in her life; the more people she would meet, the more information she could gather about life from different people of different personalities and varying lifestyles, and the better equipped she would be in handling life's troubles and thus, the more matured she would eventually become. Without other people, you will probably not learn anything new to develop yourself as a person. Every person should have unique experience in their life, thus everyone would be telling you a different story. In the end, it is up to your judgment to take in what you have learned from other people and adapt that in your own journey. And that is how you grow.

The cynical smiles. The annoying grins. The moronic stares. The trashy attitude. All because of quietness and solitude. Why is she always on her own? Why is she always so quiet? Doesn't she feel lonely being all by herself? Are all these, the pity that came in from society and the sympathy they put on us for being what we are, just because we don't talk as much or be with everyone else as much?

So came in her anger; she hated being pitied just because she was always on her own. Thus came in this conclusion: if you see someone always being all on his/her own, ask no questions. They do not need your damn pity. 

Being alone or quiet, is seemingly a not-so-normal thing; it always annoys the society so much, apparently, they can't keep quiet about it or leave us alone, is it so?

It is not a norm to be alone in this society. Most people in the society prefer to be in social contact when there are other people around and most people like it and enjoy it this way. Nothing is wrong with that. It is also probably normal that when they see other people, like her, is spending most of her time alone, they become curious. Reserved, quiet, introverted people do not reveal much of themselves and who they are, making others become even more curious about who these people are . The thing that makes people curious, get them talking about it. If the curiosity regarding the person is added with some of his or her other behaviour that again is thought as bizarre and not commonly practised, people are simply going to think that the person is just strange. That is how the world functions. Maybe. Although we cannot please everyone, we have to adapt to the world somehow.

She got used to it. Being in a world of her own. A so-called comfy zone in solitude. Nobody else to worry about, nothing else to get mad at, no one to make her sad. If anything, it's just her; anything good, it must be from Him, anything bad, it only came from her own actions. 

She wanted to open up more to the world around her. It no longer felt okay to be alone, too much. It would be okay if it felt all right, but the fact was, it did not. Some people preferred to be alone because they wanted to be and does not mind being alone, fine with that. It is probably true that everyone needs their own time spent with only themselves. However, when you claim you prefer to be alone but later wonders what is wrong with you for feeling upset and empty for being on your own, you are the one confused. She was sure she lived in denial before, and now she is admitting her mistakes. She could not immediately go and reach out to change her previous conditions, but at the very least now she is slowly trying to make amends to live a better, more fulfilled life.

Whatever it is, solitude = great. 

Solitude = great only when necessary. Everyone still needs their own space sometimes. But too much of something, can be a bad thing. There is a need to strike a balance in the things you do.

It is now 2012. It is only the beginning. To every ending, there is  a new beginning.