Always wanted to write and family constantly says I should write a book (probably have to be a few the way I ramble on), so I thought I might give this a whirl. See if any of my thoughts are similiar to the rest of the world (but probably not). I believe myself to be an oddity most times.
IN fact, just writing this, reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother a few years ago. I was trying to survive a rather rough series of events and my whole life seemed to be a write off. (This is not a usual occurence altho the last few years have been challenging). I was talking to my Mom and I was very upset and I asked her “When will life get easier Mom? What am I doing wrong and why can’t I seem to find where I fit?”
Her response was – (long sigh), Well Christine, I love you, but I don’t think it will be easy for you to find either a place where you fit or a person with whom you feel you fit. You are different and unusual and if you could possibly try to be less strong and less independent and if you could pretend to be a little needier and not so self sufficient, it would be easier for you.
OMG Mom! She stunned the xxxx out of me.
I won’t try to explain who I am or why she said the things she did. To me, I think I am pretty normal and can’t quite get my head around the Idea that other women don’t think or feel the same things I do (or at least close). When your own mother says something like this, you feel even more alien than you may have worried you were.
If you happen to read whatever I end up writing here, perhaps you will glean some idea of who I am and what makes me tick.
To give you a little info:
Over 40 (this should be obvious)
Mother (4 Children ages 15 – 23)
Grandmother (just recently – wow)
Divorced 7 years (raised children alone financially from day 1)
Oldest of six children.
Sold home and recently moved in with boyfriend (after 3+ yrs of dating and seeing each other when schedule permitted)
Hardworking, reliable, trustworthy, responsible blah blah
This blog will touch on all kinds of subjects or situations I encounter daily but mainly it is an online journal of re-creating my life and finding some direction now that I can make choices and decisions based solely on what I want. All my children are on their own now with exception of youngest who is currently with his father.
Now, my career choices, my free time, my choice of where and how to live are all up to me. This is a completely new experience as prior to this, all of my choices were about my family – ie. where do the kids want to live? what job and what work schedule works best for my kids needs? which job will still allow me to accomodate hockey, baseball, kids social activities, kids part-time jobs etc etc and will this job still earn me what I need to support everyone? etc etc..
My personal interests, relationships and life have always been last on my list of priorities and now I find myself presented with a world of choices and not the faintest idea of what I want to do, where I want to be and really, honestly – who the hell I am? I am a Mom, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a niece, a grandmother, an employee, a business owner (part time), a girlfriend. I do all the right things for everyone, I never say no, I am the one everyone counts on who tries to help with whatever I can whenever I can. And I like doing it.
Interests: well, hmmm, I would need to put some thought into that as up until recently there wasn’t time enough to get all the things done that needed doing and now that the situation has changed and I have the luxury of time to actually do what I want, I have to figure it out.
Of course, children may not reside with me anymore but we still spend time together and I still support them in varying degrees.
I still don’t feel like I fit anywhere and not sure where I am going (in life) and where I want to go.
Anyone else out there who seems to find themselves in this situation.?? This is where the oddity thing would apply.
This post first appeared on 40plusroadmap | Lost The Roadmap – Life After 40 (with Baggage)., please read the originial post: here
