I'm writing this at 4am because my sleep pattern is messed up after I got sick.  I did something I always regret, I made an online dating Profile.  I've done this three times in the past few years.  The first time I met a guy who probably shouldn't have been dating (he later committed suicide if you guys remember that blog post).  Second time I kept getting creepy messages from guys comparing me to Nicki Minaj so I ended up deleting that profile, and now it's like I'm disgusted/annoyed by every guy who messages me. 😕  Online dating sucks for a person like me, online you can only judge a person by how they look so for all I know I'm passing up great guys because of their horrible profile pictures (and stupid messages they send).  I guess I'm thinking like this because my Birthday is in a few days, I'll be 25 and still no boyfriend.  It's infuriating.  When people ask why I've never had a boyfriend I wish I could hand them a card with all the reasons. 

Maybe looking for love right now isn't the best idea for me.  Since I don't have a job I have a lot of time on my hands so I'll soon be starting a program specifically geared toward helping me cope with my depression and anxiety.  Also not having a job isn't very attractive and being on benefits doesn't help either. 😅  I keep getting messaged that I'm beautiful which is nice and all but I bet half the guys wouldn't like me if they knew how much of a crazy hermit I am.  I also have so many goals that I'll be able to do once I get this mental illness bullshit in check.  Maybe being in a relationship will distract me.  

But I'm human and I hate being alone sometimes.  

I'll be 25 and I'm inexperienced, immature, and unaccomplished.  Probably why my family members still view me as a kid. 

I'm sure they think I'm a lesbian too 😂 sometimes I think I'm pansexual because I'm attracted to everybody.  I like pretty things.  Sadly no guy that messages me on Okcupid is pretty. 😢  It could be that my standards are too high but all I ask for is a guy to be attractive, kind, not weird or fetishy (if that makes sense), and goal-oriented with his own money.  

I don't want a guy with no ambition I want them too inspire me.

Anyways I'll be happy when my birthday gets here (this Saturday! 😓) simply because I've been stressed out with everything.  I got my dress in the mail but it's loose and longer than I expected even though I got a small.  My wig is still being shipped and I had too pay a ton of money for two day shipping for some last minute add ons to my outfits, I'll be happy when it's over.  My birthday present to myself is basically doing a cheat weekend.  Normally I only do a cheat meal but this weekend I plan to morph into a fat pig. 😄  I'm eating everything I've been craving.  

That's what I'm looking forward too the most.