I’ve found myself in a situation recently where I felt like life could not get any worse than it was at that exact moment. It wasn’t any specific thing, in fact, it was a correlation of inputs in my life that all happened at the same time and completely overwhelmed me. To be honest I’m still SUPER overwhelmed right now. This being said, writing is the only thing I have that allows me to truly express my emotions the way i’m feeling them and not candy coating them for the sake of others. This is my safe space.
I’m just gonna jump into how I’m feeling right now.
I am sad. I say this not to seek comfort in the kind word’s of others but because it’s a fact. I am genuinely sad right now. Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle, going to classes is barely happening, and I can’t go a day without breaking down at least once. These are just the facts. I’m okay with not being okay right now. You don’t have to be okay all the time, it wouldn’t be normal if you never broke down? do you have emotions???? I’m the kind of sad that ice cream and cuddling doesn’t fix anymore. I go through at least 10 stages of emotions a day. In the morning’s I’m happy, It’s a new day, everything may just be okay today. By lunch time I’m kinda in my feelings but I’m also in the mindset that I’m untouchable and no one can bring me down. And then I get angry, angry at almost everyone. For no reason. Arguably I have no one to be angry with. And then the anxiety kick’s in. Not everyone has experienced anxiety, and that is such a blessing. It makes you feel like the world is ending, it’s like a fist grabbing your throat and squeezing all the air out and not letting go. Ever. It’s every little thing you’ve done wrong in your life standing around you making you feel claustrophobic. It’s not being able to stay in the room you’re in because you feel like you’re suffocating. It’s panic. Complete and utter panic. By this time of the night the sadness usually kicks in. My friends have Left school to go home, everyone is doing their own thing and I’m left to sit and think about everything. Being left to your own thoughts when your own thoughts are what’s hurting you is a Cruel Joke. But then again it seem’s like life is a cruel joke lately.
I know so many people feel like this too and that’s what breaks my heart. I would not wish these feeling’s on anyone. It’s not a good feeling when you feel like you feel like you’re worthless, or like you don’t have a purpose. I personally have amazing friend’s who show me everyday that they care and that I am worth so much but not everyone has that. I cant even explain how amazing my friend’s have been, they’ve been here through every step of the way telling me that I’m doing so amazing even when it feels like i’m failing. They’re letting me lean on them when I am not capable of taking steps on my own and I can not describe how important this is to me.
A message to my friends. (You know who you are)
Thank you for believing in me even when I don’t believe in myself.
Thank you for staying up all night with me or skipping your classes to be there for me.
Thank you for letting me cry to you and sometimes crying with me.
Thank you for not judging me no matter what I do.
Thank you for being the most amazing support system I could ask for and making sure that I am okay every single second of every single day even when you have your own shit going on.
Your unwavering loyalty and love towards me has been such a blessing and I wouldn’t be here without it. You all make me want to be a better person.
Thank you for seeing me at my absolute worst, my lowest of low points, and telling me that I am so beautiful and so strong until I believed it.
All of the flower’s, the teddy bears, the coffees, the walks, and the phone calls are so fucking appreciated. I will make it up to you all one day I swear. You guys mean so damn much to me.
It’s time for me to go, I don’t have anything left to say but “Every journey begins with a single step”.
This is my next step.