“Ten times out of nine, I know you‘re lying
But nine times out of ten, I know you’re trying
So I’m trying to be fair
And you’re trying to be there and to care
And you’re caught up in your permanent emotionsAll the loving I’ve been giving goes unnoticed
It’s just floating in the air, lookie there
Are you aware you’re my lifeline, are you tryna kill me?If I wasn’t me, would you still feel me?
Like on my worst day? Or am I not thirsty, enough?I don’t care about the lights or the beams
Spend my life in the dark for the sake of you and me
Only way to go is up, skin thick, too tough”- B
Some may read the above lyrics and find that they speak to them on a spiritual, real life level.
Maybe it’s about a Parent, husband, friend, friend with benefits (meaning study buddy over course ), boyfriend, girlfriend etc.
Now, I’ve been told I was a tad bit different when it comes to thinking about life situations. For me, I personally took these lyrics and immediately connected to them in terms of my life as a whole. I felt as though, this was the conversation I’ve had with myself about myself so many times.
“Ten times out of nine, I know you‘re lying
But nine times out of ten, I know you’re trying”
One of the hardest things to do is lie to yourself. But the thing is, once you’ve mastered that deed, you can legit master anything. And trust me, this is one thing that doesn’t get you a prize in the long run .
There are these moments when I feel like I’m not doing anything right. Like I’m just going through the motions of life nonchalantly. Then boom!! I write my thoughts on paper (transfer it to my computer) and within the next few days, someone is either sending me a podcast, IG video or meme of some influential person saying Exactly what I wrote on paper and transferred to my computer.
But why does that make me feel better?
Why does that sense of someone understanding me make it all okay?
One word .. One feeling
VAL•I•DA•TION | noun
• recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.
I seek validation even though I tell myself everyday that I don’t.
If you ask me, my confidence is unmatched .. but is it really?
Once I’m validated the skies open up, the birds sing and I get that good butterfly feeling in my stomach. As if I accomplished something so grand.
“So I’m trying to be fair
And you’re trying to be there and to care
And you’re caught up in your permanent emotions
All the loving I’ve been giving goes unnoticed
It’s just floating in the air, lookie there”
Confidence comes from loving yourself and owning who you are.
Shoo.. I’ve been called a narcissist, big headed, full of myself, over confident, selfish .. you name it….
But how can I be any of those things if I low key don’t even believe in myself sometimes.
“When external validation has greater meaning then self-affirmation, self trust is forever out of reach” – Ivanlya Vanzant
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I wrote the above on May 9, 2018 and never published it. I couldn’t finish it for some reason and I just left it in my drafts.
I believe I couldn’t finish it because it wasn’t meant to be finished that way. It’s almost one full year later and my perspective has changed tremendously. In a year so much has transpired and unfolded.
Bringing life into this world has elevated my thinking. Moreover, having twins has brought me a feeling that I never thought I’d get the chance to feel in this lifetime.
I love the late nights that drift into early mornings .. love the sound of my babies cry/coo/babble.. love being attentive to them… love learning them…love their presence.. love figuring things out with them.
Love that I May have finally found the strength within myself.
TRUTH MOMENT…
I was terrified that I couldn’t do the whole “mom” thing. Had so many people give me passive false confidence. In one breath I’d hear
You got this girl don’t even worry
However, in that same breath they’d follow up with a general statement about how they couldn’t imagine having twins since their Singleton baby was such a handful.
I second guessed myself so much within the last 9 months. The negative passive energy was starting to overshadow all the positive direct energy and I felt myself sinking. I slowly was loosing myself which inspired my She is not me, I am not her piece.
Therapy helped me realize how much I indulged in negativity against myself as well as how much I cared about validation. I never took time to celebrate the positive in situations or block out the useless opinions of others. That mixed with my countless research about how a mother’s feelings and aura can transfer to her children in the womb and beyond, forced me to reevaluate myself and change my perspective.
I refused to start my kids without at least a fighting chance to having a better life than I did. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great life but I think the goal of a parent or at least MY goal as a parent is to give my kids more than I had,show them more and hope they expand their minds far beyond mine. I was never a fan of the parents who were in secret competition with their children or the parents who believed because they struggled then their kids should too. To each it’s own but I would like different for me and mine.
I use to need validation from others because I didn’t know who I was. I feel like I still don’t have the answer fully HOWEVER, I am slowly but surely finding it out.
I can genuinely say that I’m liking this second act of my life. I’m enjoying while being fully and utterly present in it.
After my postpartum complications I honestly can’t complain about anything going on in my life because the bottom line is I still have a life. I’m grateful and happy to have a chance to rectify my old ways and move into a different space in my life.
As great as it is for me, it may take on an opposite reaction for others around me. When you start to KNOW yourself they can no longer tell you who you are anymore. When people no longer have that “in”, in your life they start to scramble because of that unknown and sense of unfamiliarity. The ‘Otivia’ from the first half of this blog would be so worried however, this second act ‘Otivia’ … BABY !!!!! It all sounds like THEY have a personal problem and it ain’t my business.
You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely.
Otivia
This post first appeared on How Being A Twinless Twin Made Me Become A CEO, please read the originial post: here
