Voices…..

……… so many voices but I can’t pinpoint any of them

Beeping and loud noises going on in unison

My legs feel heavy

My arms feel pinned

Scared to open my eyes

Scared to remember where I am

Thought interrupted………

Hi Mrs Headley, I’m your doctor you are in the CCU (Coronary Care Unit). Can you open your eyes for me?

No more hiding.

Time to face my fears

Time to face the reality

As I open my eyes I begin to remember everything. No it wasn’t a dream that just “felt” real.

IV’s in both hands. Scars from failed attempts of rookie registered nurses, blood pressure pumps set for every 5 minutes, medications and a blood transfusion of Type A blood running through my veins.

Thought interrupted….

Mrs. Headley, can you hear me?

Eyes blink

Adjust

Focus in on the voices

Getting nervous at all the Grey’s Anatomy like settings.

Beginning to panic

Oh wait ……Gavin is here……..sigh of relief.

Familiarity, protection, security, love

Ok time to focus ….

Mrs Headley as of now we are treating you for Postpartum Cardiomyopathy due to your presenting symptoms (shortness of breath, pitting edema /excess swelling in legs, feet, hands, high blood pressure) and the echoes and labs that we’ve already taken that show fluid in your lungs and your heart failure.

Fluid in my lungs?!? Heart failure?! Post part cardio what?!

Words and diagnosis coming out of this doctors mouth so smoothly yet going into my ears and registering in my brain so abrasively.

Thoughts interrupted…….

Mrs Headley, right now we have you on an IV drip to help bring down your blood pressure and another to force the excess fluid outside of your body. This should help with your excess swelling as well as the liquid in your lungs. The machine on your face is a BIPAP or Bypass Machine which is helping to give you more air to breathe

Information overload

Sensory overload

Just want to close my eyes

…..

Was all of this too good to be true?

Will I die?

Will that have been the last time I held my daughter and smelled her neck while she looked up at me with her big innocent grey eyes?

Will that have been the last time I watched my son lay so peacefully and calm in the midst of any circumstance because he is the coolest 5 day old in history?

Will that have been the last time I hugged my dad?

Will that have been the last time I questioned my importance in my mother’s life?

Will that have been my last times?

Can I die right now?

Thought interrupted….

Listen Tay (my childhood nickname), we called the Red Cross and they got in contact with Mike’s company he’s being granted Emergency Military Leave to come to the hospital. Catching the next flight out. Daddy, Angela and Dashana have the twins covered don’t worry.

Hearing my brother say those words gives me relief and at the same time scared me even more.

At that moment I realized how big the world was. And for a slight second I felt insignificant. Like the world would still go on without me.

I didn’t want Oriya smiling at anyone except me. I didn’t want Orion knitting his eye brows and pursing his little lips in the air for anyone but me. I was only their mom for 5 days and I wanted more. I needed more.

…..

Ok God, what’s really good? I know we had beef in the past but I was pretty sure we squashed it. If not let me know because I’m confused.

Actually no, for once I will keep my word and just be grateful even in the midst of my own unknown.

I carried two beings into this world and all I prayed was for them to be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. I vowed to take any pain on, just for them to not have to. I vowed to play whatever role I needed to so they were good.

So I guess you’re pulling my card lol.

At this point it is not “MY WILL” it is “Thy Will”.

I won’t be angry, I won’t be confused and I won’t blame you god. I will let this moment be a moment and if it happens to be my last then I trust that you will cover my children for the rest of their lives. I trust they will always know their importance level in my life not by just my words but with my actions.

It is currently 5:39 am April 2nd 2019. Came in to the hospital yesterday at 7:00 am and was admitted for testing. How is that for an April Fools Day. Gavin is sleeping across 2 chairs and I’m writing what could potentially be my last thoughts. This is my only way to stay sane. Only way to express myself. Only way to leave myself behind if need be.

However, if all goes well, I can reread this and remember how close I was to not being here. I can remember to never take anyone or anything for granted. I can remember the sacrifices I made and the heart I made it with. I can remember the time I let go and let god and came out with the win.

Soon doctors will swarm my room again giving results of tests and administering new ones. I will try to stay as positive as possible and come out on the other end of this with an update including how loudly my brother was snoring or how he changed my bed pan with no gloves … the true GOAT !!!!

Hopefully this isn’t my last time on this stage.

For all those who are Pregnant, will be pregnant at some point, knows of anyone that is or will be pregnant stay vigilant and always go with your GUT. It is safer to “complain” and it turns out to be nothing then to wait and something really be wrong.

I chucked all of my symptoms up to “being pregnant with twins” I didn’t want to “complain” I didn’t want to be “annoying” or “dramatic”. In my mind I believed, I wasn’t the first person to be pregnant with multiples so just like everyone before me I can take it. Not realizing my situation was fatal and I was actually harming myself.

Towards the last 3 months I had excess swelling. I gained 70 pounds and was pushing 250. My legs my ankles my thighs hurt as I walked. My hands were swollen I could only sit on my recliner chair to sleep. I had to toss a coin if I wanted to breathe or if I wanted to elevate my feet to help with the swelling.

Towards the last month my breathing got worse. I literally felt like I was constantly drowning. Again I chucked it up to being pregnant, gaining weight, my body changing to accommodate two lives.

After the twins came we were released within 3 days. The c section pain mixed with my swelling and sore limbs were soo much to deal with. Yet I pushed through. Until I couldn’t push through anymore and I knew then something was really wrong.

I remember kissing Oriya and Orion and just holding them each for a few minutes and praying this wasn’t my last time doing so. I couldnt catch my breath and I needed to go to the hospital to see why. When I walked it felt as though my ankles would break.

After getting my diagnosis I was put on multiple IV drips, a medication regiment and air machine. They had to get all the excess fluid out of my body to save my heart. Within three days I lost 50 pounds and I felt myself getting stronger, getting better. The conversation went from possible open heart surgery to taking me off the IV’s and monitoring by pill regiment with regular cardiology follow up visits.

In the last 14 days I brought 2 lives into this world

In the last 14 days I almost lost mine

This experience has changed my perspective on so much and I can say whole heartedly that I am grateful for life. I’m grateful for those that stepped up for me and mines in our time of need with no background needed, no extra conversations, no outside information.

As I embark on parenthood I will always hold this experience close to me. So many lessons were learned and I will never forget them.

You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely.

Otivia