These last 3 months have been life changing for ya girl. As I mentioned in my last blog, she is not me I am not her , my mental has shifted. I find my self constantly trying to make sense of my new thoughts and behaviors. Sometimes with no solution but this time….. this time… I have struck gold.

If you venture as far back as my first few blogs or if you just know me personally, then you know “Otivia” comes with some weird quirks. Up until recently, I fought against some of those things because of how they were viewed by others, others being close friends and family.

Quirks like …

◦ Being more comfortable sitting in a dark room alone

◦ Wanting to be down with everyone but also having panic attacks in large crowds and having to walk out the club after too long

◦ Having the need to always drive my own car to events

◦ Binging on any and everything. Either I don’t do it at all or I do it in excess

◦ Feeling emotions of others, crying and sadness as reactions to stories that don’t directly effect me

Yea, sounds weird and unusual I know but that’s me. To know me is to Love me and my quirks. What I’ve realized is, that’s not just an “Otivia” thing. There’s actually a name for the behaviors, Empath.

Em•path

Noun

A person who is capable of feeling the emotions of others despite the fact that they themselves are not going through the same situation.

A running joke with my AOE is that when she comes to my house, I’m always in the dark. It’s to the point where before she comes over, I quickly run and turn on the lights because I’m now aware of it. Even though it was a joke, I’ve always wondered why I did it and why it was so comfortable for me.

Recently as I scrolled through Instagram I came across a post.

I read it and immediately connected. I sent it to my AOE and then started looking up the word empath. I needed to know more. I was curious and wanted to see what else I could learn about myself.

My internet search lead me to an article by Judith Orloff, MD, the New York Times best-selling author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People.

The article helps to identify if you are an empath and gives you coping strategies.

Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world. Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually attuned, and good listeners. If you want heart, empaths have got it. Through thick and thin, they’re there for you, world-class nurturers.

The trademark of empaths is that they know where you’re coming from. Some can do this without taking on people’s feelings. However, for better or worse, others, like myself and many of my patients, can become angst-sucking sponges. This often overrides the sublime capacity to absorb positive emotions and all that is beautiful. If empaths are around peace and love, their bodies assimilate these and flourish. Negativity, though, often feels assaultive, exhausting. Thus, they’re particularly easy marks for emotional vampires, whose fear or rage can ravage empaths.

When empaths absorb the impact of stressful emotions, it can trigger panic attacks, depression, food, sex and drug binges, and a plethora of physical symptoms that defy traditional medical diagnosis from fatigue to agorophobia.

After reading this information I became even more intrigued. In the article, there is a quiz which I will put at the end of this for others to take. If you are indeed an empath or feel you can relate then I’d advise doing more research to learn about how to cope and Protect yourself.

What stood out to me the most was the highlight on relationships. It stood out to me because lately I have been assessing my relationships and have been seeing people so differently. Even those that have been in my life for long periods of time. I’m seeing people through different lenses and I may have finally figured out why.

As I continued my research I came across 5 different types of personalities that I should steer clear of as an “empath”. As I read the descriptions I swear I could put a name to each and every one and right then it clicked. All the feelings I was having, my withdrawing, my need to distance myself wasn’t a coincidence, it was my subconscious protecting me.

1. The Narcissist

Their motto is “Me first.” Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention, and crave admiration. They’re dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you don’t do things their way, they become punishing, withholding, or cold.

How to Protect Yourself: Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or to love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide your deepest feelings to them. To successfully communicate, the hard truth is that you must show how something will be to their benefit. Though it’s better not to have to contend with this tedious ego stroking, if the relationship is unavoidable this approach works.

2. The Victim

These vampires grate on you with their “poor-me” attitude. The world is against them, it’s the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they say, “Yes, but…” Eventually, you might end up screening your calls or purposely avoiding them. As a friend, you may want to help, but their tales of woe overwhelm you.

How to Protect Yourself: Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly to the friend or relative but then say, “I love you but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions.” With a co-worker, sympathize by saying, “I’ll keep having good thoughts for things to work out.” Then add, “I hope you understand, but I’m on deadline and must return to work.” Body languagethat telegraphs “This isn’t a good time,” such as crossing your arms and breaking eye contact, can help enforce these healthy limits.

3. The Controller

These people obsessively try to control you and dictate how you’re supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They’ll control you by invalidating your emotions when they don’t fit into their own rule book. They often start sentences with “You know what you need?” and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned, or put down.

How to Protect Yourself: The secret to success is to never try to control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but don’t tell them what to do. You can say, “I value your advice, but really need to work through this myself.” Be confident, and don’t play the victim.

4. The Constant Talker

These people aren’t interested in your feelings. They are only concerned with themselves. You may wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. Or they might physically move in so close that they’re practically breathing on you. You edge backwards, but they step closer.

How to Protect Yourself: These individuals don’t respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt, as tough as that is to do. Listen for a few minutes, then politely say, “I hate to interrupt, but I have to talk to these other people/get to an appointment/go to the bathroom.” (It’s a much more constructive tactic than saying, “Keep quiet, you’re driving me crazy!”) If this is a family member, politely say, “I’d love if you allowed me some time to talk to so I can add to the conversation.” If you say this neutrally, it can better be heard.

5. The Drama Queen

These people have a flair for  small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. My patient Sarah was exhausted when she hired a new employee who was always late. One week he had the flu and “almost died.” Next, his car was towed, again! Each time this employee left her office, Sarah felt tired and used.

How to Protect Yourself: A drama queen can’t draw energy from of equanimity. Stay calm, and take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in the histrionics. Set kind but firm limits. Say, for example, “You must be here on time to keep your job. I’m sorry for all your mishaps, but work comes first.”

To improve your relationships and increase your energy level, I suggest taking an inventory of people who give you energy and those that drain you. Try to spend time with the loving, nurturing people, and learn to set limits with those who drain you. This will enhance the quality of your life.

Everything I read made so much sense. And I even realized that unbeknownst to me, I was already doing a lot of these strategies with the people in my life which only solidified that I am on the right path.

For so long I was afraid of confrontation and didn’t want to rock the boat but it left me in some weird positions. I realized I can’t have change unless I’m proactive and I cant expect people to change if I keep allowing the same behaviors to fly. Don’t get it twisted I’m not out here shaming anyone and screaming “get away you are a controller !!!!!” But I am using strategies to protect myself.

QUIZ: AM I AN EMPATH?

Ask yourself:

If you answer “yes” to 1-3 of these questions, you’re at least part empath. Responding “yes” to more than 3 indicates that you’ve found your emotional type.

Do you relate to this emotional type? Or maybe you might relate to one of the personality types I mentioned earlier, either way there is no shame or judgment. I believe the first step is recognizing your patterns and behaviors and working on them to be the best version of yourself.

I don’t believe people are just one thing, I think there are levels to emotions and personalities but some just may stand out more than others. If it begins to effect you mentally or emotionally then you know that you may need to change or reevaluate things in your life.

You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely,

Otivia