So remember when I said ya girl was struggling and content? Well yea ya girl is for real being tested now. Thus far, I feel like the obstacles I faced were child’s play because SIS!!! This right here is madness.

At this point in my life I feel like I’m the strongest I’ve ever been & the weakest. I know, hard concept to grasp but ONLY if this message is NOT for you. Those who felt it, understands and that’s all that matters.

I feel like I’m here and present but sometimes I feel invisible. Like I don’t even recognize myself.

It’s so many changes in my life, the most obvious is my Physical. Not gonna hold y’all, some days I walk out of my bedroom, passed the twins nursery, into my office space and before I reach my living room, I get slapped in the face with reality, mid waddle, as I turn my head and see my belly in the floor length mirror. I swear the double take is real. Few times I almost swung on my reflection because

“She is not Me and I am not Her”.

Everything that I loved about my physical has changed and as much as it’s amazing, miracle, gods work all dat all dat, I can’t help but feel this out of body experience is harder to get use to than I expected.

Then there is that conflict I have when thinking about women who can’t or won’t get to experience this and for a split second I feel shitty for my thoughts HOWEVER I don’t think it’s fair to sweep my own Truth under a rug and feel invalidated in order to validate someone else. I’ve done that for most of my 29 years on this earth and it never worked in my favor. Now I am able to except both truths and understand there is a time and place to voice my concerns. This is my platform to express myself and connect with those that may feel how I do but may not be able to formulate the words to express it. Again if you get it then this is for you, if you don’t it’s okay too. I hope you find what’s for you.

I’ve gotten passed the “all day sickness” and the holding of my breath at every doctors visit since my subchorionic hematoma has healed. I’m now in the “let’s faint because it’s Tuesday stage” and the “Body shut down because it’s 3:00pm on a Thursday stage”. My life flashes before my eyes like a montage in “This is Us”. My 7, 16 and 25 year old selves just stand there looking at me gasping for air and balling my eyes out.

On top of the physical, my mental is changing drastically. It freaking scares me sometimes because I would’ve never saw myself here. My thought process is so different, that sometimes I keep what I’m thinking to myself. I don’t know when it started happening but I know that it has. The way I Respond to people, my reaction to things, my attitude towards events have all changed and it’s a lot to take in.

It’s to a point where I still haven’t told some people I’m pregnant. Not because I’m ashamed or being mysterious, it’s because for a few minutes I’m able to just be Otivia and have a normal conversation without being asked, how you feeling? Or how’s the babies? Or how are you doing? Please don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the concern but 9 times out of 10 that’s exactly where the conversation ends, like they feel if they change the topic I’ll go straight into labor lol. I feel like that’s all I get to talk about sometimes and it gets frustrating. No way can I answer those same 3 questions 100 times out the day everyday, at this point I don’t even know how to respond. Sometimes I just don’t

All jokes aside, I’m afraid that I won’t remember who I am after this whole experience is over. The things that make me who I am will be overshadowed or lost and my new physical and mental selves will take over.

Truth moment: As a kid I use to have a nightmare and I think I’ve only disclosed this once to my parents but now it’s just too close to reality that I feel I need to share it

I’m walking with her and everything feels so light so free. I can’t see her face but I know I’m comfortable with her. We laugh, we make jokes and we vibe. All of a sudden she stops and says “what if I go back and you stay here just this one time” I look down at the perfect green grass but I don’t respond. Right when I get the confidence to look at her and tell her NO, I see her walking away into a ripple of “my life”. I scream and scream NO NO NO WAIIIIIIITTTTTTT!! But no one hears me. On the other side of the ripple I see what looks like myself screaming in my bed and my parents run into the room to comfort my “imposter”. Again I scream, NOOOOOOO THAT’S NOT MEEEE!! . But they can’t hear me. Right as I stop screaming and start giving up, my imposter looks passed my parents and right into my eyes and mouths “See you later”

FIRST OF ALL, I was writing this in the dark and my scary ass had to get up and turn on the light because I scared my damn self Lordt! I swear even telling the nightmare scares me. For soooo long I thought that was a Twin dream but now I’m thinking it wasn’t. It was a dream about myself. That’s EXACTLY how I feel now.

“She is not ME and I am not HER”

For a while I couldn’t write my blog, didn’t put effort into my tutoring business (thank god for my staff of tutors who are efficient and the groundwork I put in early on to keep things running smoothly) and stopped doing things I loved doing because of how off I was feeling. The dope thing about life is, what’s for you will always find it’s way to you even if you don’t realize it. In this week alone I’ve had people from my different stages of life hit me up randomly and say some touching things about my character, their appreciation for my transparency and it always ended with them telling me not to stop what I’m doing. Messages like that really help me through days that I feel invisible. On top of that I’ve been able to add new clientele to my business off of referrals from friends and family. It’s like even when I want to give up there are outside forces that push me to continue and I’m learning to embrace that.

Again I know it isn’t smart to “bleed” on open platforms but I believe if you’re bleeding ends with a way to move forward positively then why not. I can’t be the only Mulan out there looking at her reflection. Well shit maybe I am but at least I’m honest about it. I also realize I’m getting closer to the ending of this long journey and it’s normal to have these feelings. My purpose is to be open about my struggles and show that behind all my funny post and dancing videos is a person fighting hard to stay positive and live right within. I’m sure my message may get lost in translation but only to people who this post isn’t for. Those that will try to explain to ME what I should and shouldn’t feel . However, like I’ve stated before, those who feel it will understand and that’s what matters.

All in all, even though I feel weak at moments, the strength that I get once I over come these obstacles, make me feel so empowered. Things that I never thought I could handle have been coming and going. Whenever I feel myself getting negative, somewhere somehow I find positivity to pull from. I write out my feelings and let it go. It’s no walk in the park but as I practice, I get better and I love seeing my progress.

Also second truth moment. I made a rookie mistake and stopped going to therapy because sis thought she was cured. It’s like when you get sick and the doctor tells you to take the antibiotics until it’s finished but you stop when you “think” you feel better, then your ass gets sick all over again . Yea that’s my fault. So I’ll be making an appointment for next week and I won’t make that mistake again.

You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely,

-Otivia