And just like that the baby shower has came and went !

Yea yea yea I know what you’re Thinking.

“That’s so good” “Time is flying”

But Otivia’s thinking is slightly different. I’m thinking,

You all know I’ve been working on myself & that I’ve adapted my new phrase and motto “Issa Process” so bare with me as I feel these feelings and then let them go appropriately.

I usually have high anxiety before any event, whether it’s mine or someone else’s. As outgoing as I am I hate big crowds, I hate attention and most of all I hate giving speeches when All EYES ARE ON ME. Off top I’m guarantee to stutter, cry or laugh like a nervous fool and on an extreme anxiety filled day, you may catch me doing all three of them suckers!

Crazy thing is, on Sunday for my Tea Party themed Baby Shower, I wasn’t anxious at all . I took my time and cherished each moment. I don’t know if it was my growth or the fact that I was also experiencing Braxton Hicks Contractions so my attention was diverted. Either way, I think I held it together.

Well that was until I had to say my speech and every thought and emotion flooded my heart and brain. I was thinking

“you are happy, the party is amazing”

but my heart was saying

“you miss mike, he should be here, how is he doing, what if Odessa was here? I miss her, I need her, everyone is looking at me and I can’t speak. Abort abort . Too late I’m already ugly crying”

I remember at one point just going blank, I couldn’t hear anything but I could see all the faces surrounding me. I looked to my left and said “I can’t do it” and My AOE responded something that I couldn’t hear but I felt her and I know it was something positive. Then I looked to the right and my dad was there. It was as if he knew what I needed exactly at that moment. Looking back at the video recording it was eerie how he said “I’m standing in for mike” and you can hear me say “and that’s why I’m crying”.

The thing with support systems, you can’t just have anyone around you and call them a “support system”. You have to tailor your system to fit you. My support system knows me, OTIVIA. They know my love language, they know my weird quirks and they can communicate with me with no words needed. They know my nervous laugh from my childish laugh and they act accordingly. 

Throughout the speech you can hear my sister and brother in the background both making the EXACT same joke knowing exactly how to divert my attention and make me laugh. My brother told my dad to bend down and my sister told him to crouch down so that he can resemble my husbands height. That made me laugh from my core!

After my speech my AOE read a letter that my husband gave to her before he left for Basic Training (he made sure to seal it good because he knows my nosy ass would’ve read that bad boy soon as he closed the door). Now my AOE is my total opposite. We give eachother what we are missing when we are missing it. If I’m weak she’s strong, if I’m level headed she’s ready to risk it all, if I’m irrational she’s rational. The thing is we both get super anxious but like I said we give each other what we are missing. She stood there in front of the crowd and read my husbands letter that he addressed specifically to her. Hearing her speak his words made me feel so …. made me feel so..  I honestly don’t know how I felt. It was a billion emotions in one. I’ll put the video below and let you see what I mean.

That letter was perfect for me in that moment. As much as I wanted to cry, the jokes, the transparency and the love that was bouncing off those pages, hit me in a way that I never could imagine. It was yet another sign that I made the right choice tailoring my support system. 

I’m nervous about what’s to come but if Sunday is a reflection of how my support system works then my fears are irrational. How can I fail when there are people who genuinely want me to win? How can I be alone, when my support system would never allow that to happen? See this is my process. I feel my feelings and then let them go. I can’t hold on to a fear once I know it’s irrational. That’s like thinking there is a monster in the closet, turning on the light, opening the closet and not seeing anything. It’s irrational to still be afraid because you have no proof of the fear anymore. 

I’m telling you all, “Issa Process” and I’m really trying to…

“plan my work and work my plan” as my dad so eloquently tells me to do

All in all, I may not be 100% ready to be super mom but I do know I’m ready for the challenges and I won’t falter because

1.  that’s just not what I do, and
2.  the people around me wouldn’t let it happen . 

“I’ll do anything necessary for them

And they’ll do anything necessary for me 

So don’t let the necessary occur .. yup !”

-Sean Carter, Beyoncé & Otivia

You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely,

Otivia the Bonnie to their Clyde