“I walked into the well lit room and I saw a familiarity on their faces. I saw the sadness behind their smiles, I saw the hurt behind their Semi Dampen Eyes, I heard the tremble in their voices. We all sat until it was time. We walked in and for a second everything went quiet. I saw him raise his right hand and just like that it was over. My last safety net was gone. My last distraction was officially being shipped out to serve and protect this country, leaving me to face my biggest fear….”
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For the first time in 29 years,
I am facing my biggest fear .
I am attempting to conquer the unknown .
I am seeing my pattern and attempting to fix it with healthy solutions rather than mask it was toxic distractions.
However you put it, it’s something that I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. Through research for my published graduate school thesis, The “Twinless Twin”: The Passing of a Twin and its Effect on the Twin that Survived , I found that what I felt was common in individuals that lost their twins. Being that there wasn’t much support to help me fully comprehend how to get over the feeling, I found my own unhealthy ways that worked.
I went from developing in a womb where the heartbeats of my twin sister and my mother lulled me to sleep. To being born into a family that may have subconsciously given me more love and attention then usual, due to my twin sister passing away. I’ve always longed for connections and as I got older and boyfriends came into play I was able to mask my loneliness with their presence.
That’s really all I did. I masked it and pretended it was fulfilling. It was so easy for me to end relationships and friendships because I don’t think I cared for the people, I cared for what they were providing at the time. Connection.
I’ve had people question my way of friendship so many times.
“ How could you be friends with people of the opposite sex and never be sexual with them”
or
“How could you have all these very personal relationships with people and be so nonchalant about it”.
The answer was never clear to me before but it is now. I didn’t crave intimacy in the way most did. I craved attention and connection. So I could literally have a “friend” over and fully fall asleep next to them, while having the deepest conversation about everything under the sun and be okay with that. I didn’t understand how problematic that was because it sent the “friends” mixed signals of my intentions. Honestly, I didn’t care to understand because my need was being fulfilled.
I always needed to be occupied, always on the phone, always texting, always finding connections. I learned at a young age that intimacy didn’t mean connection and that I could actually gain more attention for longer if I kept the sexual portion out of the equation. I saw so many examples of girls in high school and beyond that was sexually intimate with guys and the guys quickly lost interest. I knew I could be different and get a different result, which I did and it worked.
Fast forward to the present day, my biggest fear has appeared in front of me once again and this time instead of masking it I am taking it on head first.
I walked into the well lit room and I saw a familiarity on their faces. I saw the sadness behind their smiles, I saw the hurt behind their semi dampen eyes, I heard the tremble in their voices. We all sat until it was time. We walked in and for a second everything went quiet. I saw him raise his right hand and just like that it was over. My last safety net was gone. My last distraction was officially being shipped out to serve and protect this country leaving me to face my biggest fear. Fear of being alone with myself.
I’m not going to hold you, on day 1 I cried. I cried that ugly cry that makes people want to look away because it’s so uncomfortable. You know it’s real when you cry in the shower, it’s like you try to mask the tears with the water as if you can fool yourself to think it’s not happening.
Then all of a sudden I busted out laughing. At this point I don’t know if I’ve officially became insane or what but I was laughing uncontrollably. I had a flash back to when I was younger and I would cry in the shower when I felt alone and immediately I stopped. No way can I be doing the same thing I did at 18. No way was I crying and there was nothing physically wrong with me. No way was I being a coward yet again. I finished my shower only thinking positive thoughts. I let out my cry and my sadness and it was time to move on. It was time for me to be introduced to myself in a less aggressive way. Not in a way we’re something was forcibly taken away from me, like when I was born, NO, this time something is being given to me, I’m giving myself the feeling of fulfillment, of peace.
I remember praying that I never have to be alone. Then I realized, God definitely heard me and of course in the slickest way I got EXACTLY what I asked for. Every time I’m sad I feel kicks or flutters or now the new thing baby hiccups. I have not one but two people with me constantly lol . To make this even funnier, when they actually arrive is when my husband will be coming back , it will literally be 4 new people meeting each other. I will have found myself, he will have found himself and our baby girl and baby boy will now find their parents whole in their own right.
Day 1 was the hardest, now I’m getting into my own groove. Living on my own, enjoying my own company, knowing that when I wash the dishes nothing will mysteriously appear, it’s feeling good. I write everyday and I live everyday with purpose. I am committed to being a better person and not masking my feelings with toxic distractions.
Taking it one day at a time and I’m feeling hopeful. For all of you that have checked in on me, sent me and my family well wishes, prayed for my well being, I appreciate you whole heartedly. Please rest assure though, I got this!
You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely,
Otivia the fulfilled one
This post first appeared on How Being A Twinless Twin Made Me Become A CEO, please read the originial post: here
