Ya girl is struggling!!

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Heartburn and sleepless nights to mood swings and severe forgetfulness during the day.

Crazy thing is, even with the struggles, I am starting to see the light on the other side.

To get out the fire, you have to go through the fire

I believe during these periods of struggle, what’s most important is your attitude. I cry, I curse,I get angry, I get sad. I allow myself to feel these feelings and then I breathe and let it go. I don’t mask it & I don’t pretend they aren’t there.

I make sure to understand the situation in its entirety. Finding the reason behind my feelings so that I can fully grasp the bigger picture.

Last week my therapist was sick and couldn’t hold our weekly session. I survived. I stuck to the gems that I’ve been learning and I made it through the week.

I haven’t felt this content in a while. I know, sounds contradictory. How can I be struggling and content. Easy. Like one of my most memorable graduate school professors once taught me “Two truths can exist without negating each other”. I am understanding the reason for my struggles AND I’m content with knowing that I will make it through.

Even with all the changes that’s occurring, I’m still nervous but now it’s a good nervous. I’m excited for the possibilities that await me. I’m excited for the new levels and to see what new devils I will have to face.

Lately, I’ve been reading so many messages, from Close Friends to associates on social media, praising me for my positive attitude and my transparency with my struggles. It’s weird to be praised for just being me, yet I’d be lying if I say it’s not a “good” weird feeling.

Like I’ve stated, I get sad, I get angry, however, I feel those feelings and let it go. I let it go by writing my thoughts, blasting music and dancing like no one is watching , reading a book, watching a twilight installment movie saying all the words but reacting like it’s my first time watching it. Most importantly I try to spread positivity to others. When I’m feeling down I’ll text my close friends a random note

“hope you have a productive and positive day”

or

“you are dope and I hope you have the day you deserve”.

10 times out of 10 they respond saying

“I was having the worst day thank you for this“

or they go into the longest story about how they were feeling down and my message came at the most perfect time .

I’ve realized when I’m down, there are people around me that may feel the same way or worse and since I was able to get out of my funk, I could be the light for someone else to get out of there’s .

It is currently 5:24 am on December 25th. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep. I cried for about a solid 10 minutes, (this heartburn is truly buggin) and the Twins have felt the need to take up real estate on opposite sides of my steadily growing belly, which leaves me no choice but to sleep sitting straight up .

After my 10 minutes I wiped my tears, googled Remedies To Ease Heartburn , walked to the kitchen poured me a glass of chocolate almond milk, walked back to my room and began writing this blog post.

As I let the almond milk do it’s job, I’m writing my thoughts without thinking, without second guessing. My thoughts flow freely like the air whistling through the small opening of my window. It’s easy for me to grasp and make sense because I’m content with myself. There is no anxiety, there is no unresolved feelings or thoughts. I’ve felt it all and let it go respectfully.

As I’m drinking my almond milk and starting to feel my heart burn easing, I feel my Rugrats ( Phil & Lil) wake up. The synchronization of their movements tell me they are shifting and I can now sleep on my sides. This is the routine and as frustrating as it is, I am so grateful. So as most people are waking up I am finally able to go to sleep.

Ya girl is struggling …

AND

Ya girl is content.

You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely and have an amazing Christmas and Happy Holidays!! ,

Otivia the content struggler