I’ve been gone for my minute……………….

SO boom lets get right into it! MY Birthday IS TOMORROW 

Ya girl turns a smooth 29 years old and she was low-key shaking in her boots. One thing about me is, I’m not a fan of change and EVERYTHING in my life is changing at the exact same time. There is no room for me to be indecisive because all of these changes will directly impact my future. I go back and forth with feelings of nervousness and excitement, knowing that things can either go Left or Right.

For those that don’t already know, I’ve been seeing a Psychotherapist for about a month now. I made this decision because I’ve been wanting smoke with EVERYONE!! I was on some “rock, paper, scissors, imma slap you if you breathe too hard” vibes and I couldn’t understand why. I was either crying or angry or angry crying and didn’t know what was happening. I felt myself going back into my isolation phase where, I ignore everyone, sit in my room lights off and just stare. Reveling in my sadness and ignoring any positivity that exists. I knew I couldn’t do that this time because unlike before I had TWO reasons for me to do better.

My anxiety about being ALMOST 30, the forever thought of my twin being gone ,a mother of twins,  a millennial wife, an entrepreneur, and possibly moving halfway across the world (explanation soon come), caused me to go into overdrive. Fortunately for me, my amazing therapist is good at her job and was able to get me all the way together with one sentence.

Gain sanity by managing your sphere of influence

She then asked if I ever read the Serenity Prayer, which I told her I had but in all honesty never really did, at least in its entirety. That day I went home and looked it up and it embodied everything that I needed at that moment. For those of you that fronted like you knew what it was but didn’t, like me, don’t worry I got you.

Don’t get me wrong, by just reading this prayer all of my anxiety did not disappear, HOWEVER, I was able to put a lot of things into perspective. I was able to see more positive than negative and work off of that. After discovering that I have a tendency to ignore positivity in my life and highlight the negative, it has become easier and easier to recognize it and correct myself. I’ve also began correcting my Cognitive distortions  (irrational thoughts that have power to influence how we feel). Not only do I have Cognitive distortions but I have one of the most common types called Catastrophizing  (when the importance of a problem is exaggerated or the worst possible outcome is assumed to be true).

For example…

One thing I’m worried about is the health of my babies.

MY Thought: The same thing that happened to me and my twin will occur again. History will repeat itself.

MY Feeling: Anxiety, fear, anger

MY Action: Withdraw from people, lash out, overthink everything

As you can see, I go to the worse possible outcome and force myself to believe that It WILL happen as though I have evidence that proves my theories. In Therapy, I’m learning how to reshape my thinking so I could in turn feel more positivity towards things and act accordingly.

Within the next few months, SO much will change and it would only be in my best interest to begin reshaping my thinking from now. Clearly, what I’ve been doing for the past 28 years hasn’t worked or else I wouldn’t need to see my therapist weekly, so I am open to this new journey and POSITIVE that good will come out of it. If not for me, then for at least the people around me and my children.

For the first time in my life I am not worried about a birthday party or a birthday Gift. For the first time, I am looking at my life as the gift. This year I am going to actually do something different and give a gift to others. (If you see it as a gift or not is not my business though LMAO)

****Starting next week after each blog post no matter the topic I will add at least one gem from my therapy session for those that don’t feel comfortable going to therapy, may not truly believe in the practice but need help, or for whoever cares to read it. I am okay being the bridge between you and your sanity.  Lets help each other get to a better place mentality. If I am not feeling inspired and there is no actual blog, there WILL still be a therapy gem posted (Scouts Honor)***

Before I go, Otivia Fun Fact : Next year my Birthday will fall on Thanksgiving Day. Don’t know why that makes me feel so good inside but it does lol. I guess this year I’m practicing for the real game next year. The Big 30 on Thanksgiving Day. How Poetic.

You’ve been amazing crowd. Get home safely,

Otivia, The Almost 30 year old with the new perspective