~~November 28th 1989, she would’ve never thought, her twin baby girls would soon turn to one. She would’ve never thought, all the double baby shower gifts would barely be used. She would’ve never thought, her pain and concerns would be ignored and dismissed resulting in losing a part of her heart and soul. ~~
For so long I took the passing of my twin sister as a personal loss. Until I started digging deeper, writing my blogs and realized it effected so many people, like my older siblings and parents. I also didn’t realize how many other families suffered losses of children and mothers during childbirth and how much of an epidemic this has been from as far back as the 1850’s till the present day of 2018.
Last weeks episode of “Empire” an American drama series on the Fox Network, created by Lee Daniels and Danny Strong, left me extremely emotional due to the storyline of Hakeem and Tiana, played by (Bryshere Gray & Serayah Mcneil ). The loss of one of their twins, resulted in what seems to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for both parents, which they displayed in their own unique ways.
This episode not only shed light on PTSD but it also shed light on the issue of African American women being dismissed in regards to child birth and the bigger issues of racial disparities in maternal mortality. Tiana, knew something was wrong and tried to get help, but like many woman she was dismissed and it resulted in her losing a child.
The feelings of being dismissed and scared are something I am all to familiar with. When my Husband and I went to our first doctors visit, my OB-GYN only saw 1 baby. We were cool with the thought. I mean, when you’re being fresh there’s a high possibility that a baby will be the result. It took some getting use to especially because we weren’t on the best of terms at the time, however, we did and we were excited.
Our excitement quickly turned into panic, when I woke up to an obscene amount of blood a few days later. I don’t think I was ever so scared in my life. Time stood still as my husband took my hand and spoke in the calmest voice ever. To be honest, I don’t remember what he said, I just remember, his tone took me from a 10 to a smooth 8. May not sound like much, but trust, in that moment those two notches of anxiety meant the world to me. We immediately went to Kings County Hospital because I wasn’t going to step foot into Brookdale after the horrible stories I’ve heard from growing up in Brooklyn. In hindsight the choice of hospital didn’t mean much because we spent 6 hours in the waiting room to be called …. 6 hours of my anxiety being through the damn roof. Yet my husband stayed calm. Once called we spent another 2 hours waiting for the actual doctor to see me. I remember being sooo hungry and at the time my nausea was on 10000. Some women have “morning sickness” but I had ALL day, ALL night sickness.
It came to the point where my husband was told he had to leave due to visiting hours and could return in an hour or so. During that time a doctor came in to see me, and did an ultrasound. As soon as the cold gel connected with the ultrasound machine I saw them. Two sacs .. two babies. I was in total shock. I was in such shock that my 2.5 hour wait for the second ultrasound barely phased me. I texted my husband to let him know the crazy news, of course he didn’t believe me. On top of me being childish and always playing pranks, he knew what he saw a few days prior, one sac, one baby. The time came for the second, more in-depth ultrasound and we both were able to see our lil beans clearly. Heard their heartbeats and felt their souls. After another 30 minutes of testing, we waited 1.5 hours to get the results back so the bleeding could be explained that brought me into the hospital to begin with. The doctor explained that I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage (a bleed near Twin B’s sac). I didn’t know what to say or to ask, I was stuck and so was my “gift of gab” husband. We were in uncharted territories. We had no guidance or references. Being the man that my husband is (Brooklyn men don’t take L’s) he took a deep breath and asked two questions.
1. Will my wife be okay?
2. What does this mean for our babies?
The doctor nonchalantly explained that this was a “normal” occurrence with twin cases and that it would resolve on its own, as long as I committed to being on bed and pelvic rest. With that he swiftly left, came back with discharge papers and sent us on our way, to what seemed to be the most awkward car ride back home. After about 11 hours of anxiety, it was a huge relief that I had a diagnoses but I was still so confused. What if I moved wrong ? or what if the bleed grew?
As we laid in the bed that night, my husband held me close, hands on my stomach. The room was dark and before I could stop it, I felt the hot lines of water uncontrollably falling down the side of my face. At that moment all I felt was fear. Fear of having the responsibility of two lives.. fear that my fate will end up just as my mother’s had on November 28th 1989, fear that I will be yet another African American mortality statistic. I quietly cried myself to sleep that night with a lump in my throat and 3 heartbeats beating inside of me.
I’ve spoken to many women about their experience with their pregnancies, both singletons and twins and for every 2 great stories I heard a tragic one. I wanted to be proactive in my pregnancy rather than succumb to fears of the unknown. I began with pre writing questions for my doctor and doing my own research. I never wanted to be stuck again the way I was at Kings County Hospital. I’m on countless twin mom forums as well as a faithful user of “The Bump” , an app that shows your babies growth week by week, gives you daily facts on the babies as well as the mother to be, at every point of your pregnancy. The best part of the app is the “real answers” tab where moms and expecting moms ask and answer questions. EVERY question I’ve had thus far has been asked and answered by countless amount of mothers, all races and backgrounds. It makes me feel apart of something as well as not crazy for half the things that I question.
I think being proactive rather than reactive is the best approach to combat anxiety with the unknown . Asking questions and finding a doctor who you are comfortable with is also key. Having difficult and uncomfortable conversations is important to easing your mind rather than pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. I have a great and open relationship with my Ob-GYN but I still make sure to be prepared with questions before each visit. I don’t leave anything unanswered and neither does my husband.
I feel like my whole life has been centered around the events the took place on November 28th 1989. It’s my story , however the fact that there are so many similar stories in the world weighs on my heart. While writing this I’ve read material that dated back to the 1850’s of the same situations. To think this issue has only gotten worse is heartbreaking.
I know there is power in prayer and thoughts, so I try to stay as positive as possible but I would be lying if I said I don’t lay in bed sometimes and feel the hot lines of water fall down the sides of my face. I contribute that to my hormones, to the unknown or to the facts of history either way I will continue to be proactive and surround myself with knowledgeable individuals as well as positive energy.
You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely,
-Otivia the proactive mom to be
This post first appeared on How Being A Twinless Twin Made Me Become A CEO, please read the originial post: here
