Today I looked at the calendar and was reminded of a hard truth.

However, unlike every other time, I was able to quickly decipher what my feelings really meant and process them appropriately.

I was able to pin point why I felt so overly sensitive, why I was drawn to certain people and why I had trouble riding my feelings. I was able to understand why I cried during every commercial and why a raised voice or lack of understanding made me feel so ‘alone’.

As July 6th nears, it is a constant reminder that in theory I am ‘alone’.

I could be in a room full of people, good vibes, funny jokes, all Love AND still feel ‘alone’. My need for connection, for understanding, for affection and attention all derive from that notion.

You ever walked out the house with no keys or phone and immediately turned around to go get it? The feeling as if something important is missing or left behind? I feel like that everyday and as July 6th nears, it becomes more of a task emotionally and mentally even sometimes physically.

As much as I want to ride this feeling, I’ll be honest, it’s difficult. It’s difficult to think that the one person who could’ve possibly understood me, love me unconditionally and except my flaws and all, is not here for me to test the theory.

I long for unconditional love. Not the love while everything is nice and calm. Not the love while stuff makes sense. I’m talking about the love, when you see the other person for EXACTLY who they are and nothing makes you smile harder. The love that allows you to bet your last breath on that persons character. The love that stops time and makes a moment last forever.

I personally don’t think the majority of humans are capable of that kind of love. They love for the moment, they love for an Instagram caption, they love for others to see, they love so they can stunt on those without.

I am constantly in this endless cycle of What-if. And there lies my problem.

I need to be present in the here and now or else I’m going to lose out on moments that are actually happening.

That what-if cycle, just makes me more sad and clouds my judgement.

I am on a quest to becoming a better me And living my ONLY life to the fullest.

Speaking my feelings isn’t easy,however, hearing stories from close friends, associates and readers of my blog, about how they either relate to my words, or they’ve used my words to make their own personal life adjustments, pushes me and allows me to bare some.

Can’t bare all though. A little mystery never hurt nobody

You’ve been an amazing crowd. Get home safely,

Even though we never met

I know your face by heart

Even though we never spoke

I can hear your voice

Even though I never held you

I feel your weight in my arms

Even though we’ll never lie beneath the same stars

You’ll always shine above us

November 28, 1989- July 6th, 1990

~ Odessa’s Twin