Yesterday at 11:24 PM my Phone Vibrated Underneath my pillow.

Yesterday I read a Message that contained the message that I needed to hear

Yesterday was the first day in 28 years that I did not hate God.

Before yesterday my mom considered me an (atheist). I always disagreed with that but I could not explain why. Today, I can now articulate why I am not an atheist.

By definition an Atheist is

a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.

Running parallel to Atheism is Dystheism

the belief that God exists but is not wholly good, or that he might even be evil.

I fully believed there was a GOD and I fucking hated him. I loathed him to be more specific. So if we use the definition of an atheist, I couldn’t hate someone that I didn’t believe in. And I hated God. I hated him for having a choice and choosing to give me the idea of never being alone but taking it away from me before I could fully understand it. Taking away the life of my twin sister scarred me before I was even able to feel. I think it scarred my mother and father too. Well damn, it scarred my sister and brother and maybe even the doctors who were negligent and caused her death.*takes deep breath* Sorry, I am use to being very self absorbed in my own feelings and it’s only now that I realize how my twin sisters death hurt a lot of people and not just me.

I always just took it very personal.  9 months. 9 months of protecting each other, 9 months of learning each other, 9 months of developing right next to each other in tandem. Just for her to suffer for 8 months and leave this world forever.

In my published work “The “Twinless Twin”. The Passing of a Twin and its Effects on the Twin that Survive, *Press link to purchase or get free sample*, I quoted research that explained how twins bond earlier than single fetuses and how important that time we spent together was.

If my little insignificant human brain could figure this out then why would the  “All Knowing All Mighty GOD” still take her away from me. That was so mean. That was so evil. How could I love someone that could hurt me like that? That could hurt everyone around me that I valued, at the time like that?

****And because we out here spilling tea I might as well give you all a little Otivia Fact. 

It was so EASY for me to break off friendships that I feel went toxic or was grey, ignore a person who I didn’t think was really for me and stop speaking to my own mother because for 28 years I have pushed away, what is believed to be, one of the strongest relationships you could have, without a blink of an eye. Why would a mere mortal believe that I would give a hoot about not talking to them for all of eternity lol. Silly rabbits. 

Yesterday at 11:24 PM my phone vibrated underneath my pillow.

Yesterday I read a message that contained the message that I needed to hear

Yesterday was the first day in 28 years that I did not hate God.

I opened a message to a Youtube video The Pace of Grace :: Stride (Part 3).  NO dramatics NO extraness, I promise you, time stood still, my breathing slowed down to a steady rhythm and Lead Pastor, Michael Todd began to speak to my soul. Word to, everything this man said spoke to my whole life. My whole existence. NO way was that a coincidence. NO freaking way.  I sat for  a moment and waited for myself to start speaking in tongues or flipping, like they do in all of Tyler Perry movies but nothing like that happened. Time just stood still, my breathing slowed down to a steady rhythm and Lead Pastor, Michael Todd began to speak to my soul.

Through my apple iPhone 7 screen, this man that I didn’t even know existed before today spoke directly to me. He said my name like 3 times!!!. (ok ok I know, no dramatics no extraness my fault). All jokes aside, it was only 3 minutes in when I realized, at 11:24 pm I opened a message that contained the message that I needed to hear. ALRIGHT SOMEBODY!!!  I said!!

 at 11:24 pm I opened a message that contained the message that I needed to hear.

Turn to your neighbor.  And say “neighbor, Otivia just spit some bars”

This man spoke to me. I won’t even use the word preached because to me preaching is just reciting words and linking it to scripture. When someone is speaking to you, it is a conversation. A back and forth of words, vibes, knowledge, experiences. This man SPOKE to me without me having to respond , without even knowing that somewhere in the world a girl named Otivia was going to open up a message that contained HIS message that she needed to hear.

I wonder if this man knows he just called me on mute with God on three-way and unlike Regina George in Mean Girls, this man was able to assist in the mending rather than the breaking of a relationship. I wonder if this man knows I spilled my heart out and when God took himself off three-way I was forced to listen to what he had to say. I wonder if this man knows he possibly changed the course of my life by just speaking to me today through an apple iPhone 7 screen.

I am not the most forgiving person. I’ll let you back in, but I may never give you, what I use to give you, when you had my all. Only people that know will get what I just said. If you don’t understand, then it is just not for you to get.

Today I forgave for the first time in 28 years and it felt so weird. There’s only one other thing I could compare it to but it is uber inappropriate so I’ll just say I feel satisfied.

God’s number was finally saved in my phone today. I no longer have to hit him with the “who dis” line when he hits me up. It’s going to take some getting use to but I am ready now.

And please don’t think I’m going to be out here every sunday with my church hat and fan at CCC because of my new reconnection because that is not what I am saying by far. Like everything else I am going to take my own path. I am going to have my own conversations and work my path on my own terms. Your relationship with God or who ever you speak to is individual/unique, so please keep your relationship between you two. We are good over here. I just wanted to make that clear because this blog may go right over some people’s heads and that’s okay. If you don’t understand then it it just not
for you to get it & I am learning that, it is not my job to make you get it.

Yesterday at 11:24 PM my phone vibrated underneath my pillow.

Yesterday I read a message that contained the message that I needed to hear

Yesterday was the first day in 28 years that I did not hate God.

You’ve been an amazing crowd! Get home safely,

-Otivia