There's a song I really like called "Alaska" by Maggie Rogers. In the refrain she sings, "And I Walked off you; And I walked off an old me." These are words I seem to live by. Over the course of the weekend, I walked 20 miles. I walk when I am trying to sort things out and get to a better place, mentally. I knew this weekend that I needed time to myself, with my thoughts, and time to figure out how to pull myself out of this slump I've been in. As much as I want to feel better for me, I know my kids have realized I am having a tough time and I want to feel better for them, too.
Sitting around, moping, and not taking any action to change things never results in an improvement, so I hit the road and walked. I walked until my joints ached. And as much thinking as I did, I also had periods of time when I was immersed in my surroundings and that didn't allow for thinking. It allowed for listening to dragonfly wings flap against the shrubs and squirrels scurrying about the branches of trees. I needed both to enable me to clear my head.
A clear head. Shoving aside all the noise of late reminded me of some basic things that were working for me before I started to fall into old habits. It's obvious to me exercise is necessary in my life. I am in better shape now than I have been in years. I think I am more attractive than I was ten years ago and, even if that is all just in my head, liking the way I appear on the outside sure helps me feel better on the inside. The side benefit to the exercise, which is the main benefit to most, but I admit I am backwards on this, is that I have more stamina and energy. I had let myself slack these last couple weeks, but it's back to pushing my body physically to help me mentally.
Activities are a time suck that I crave. The school time routine is back in session, which means soccer practices and games for the kids, but also museum talks for me. Though I am taking my kids to a couple talks, I need "me" time and this is something I have found I enjoy. I have become one of National Geographic's biggest supporters by buying tickets for nearly half their events, I think. It would save me so much money if they would just hire me to work for them, but, alas, I am not yet the explorer I want to be, so attending as part of the general public will just have to suffice. So, with a couple I found at the Smithsonian, too, this comes to seven talks I am attending over the next few months. It's not just about occupying my time, but learning and stimulating my mind in areas I find fascinating. I can't stand politics. In the world I work in and the city I live in that is a major focus for a lot of people. These talks help me escape. Even if I am going to them on my own, I am trying to broaden my horizons and improve myself through increased knowledge.
Now that enough time has passed since being in a relationship, I am finally ready to date. It has been challenging. I have had a handful of dates over the past year and none were bad dates, per se, just dates that didn't really stand out. I've been very tempted to just close my heart off again. I don't want to do that, though. There are a lot of things I wish in life, but one, in particular, is having someone I connect with, who I can talk to about all the crazy thoughts and ideas in my head and listen to theirs and maybe, by some stroke of luck, we'll want the same things out of life. Sounds simple, but it isn't. I am putting myself out there again, though. Actively. I don't want to hinge my happiness on someone else, but I do want to be open to someone coming into my life who can add to my happiness. And, when I think about all I know I am capable of offering to someone, I still hope I have the opportunity someday. But, even when I am lonely and wishing I had someone to curl up on the sofa with, I remember all those moments I shared with the wrong people that left me feeling disconnected and unfulfilled. I don't want that again. I would much rather be alone than in a so-so relationship that makes me daydream about what it would be like to be with someone else. So, I am open to something that feels right again, but we'll see what happens.
Most importantly, though, I took a entirely novel action for me this weekend. I researched various environmental volunteer organizations in the area and submitted an application to do in-person volunteering with Sierra Club. I can't remember the last time I did any volunteer work. It makes me sound like a horrible person. I was never really passionate enough about it. I feel ready to commit my free time to do something that gives me purpose. I was hesitant for a while. I was a little bit fearful about doing something else on my own that I have never done before. But, heck, I have now taken my kids to the Galapagos and Amazon Rain Forest completely on my own, as a single mom, AND the airline lost our luggage for several days! Clearly, I can save the world! Even volunteer. Maybe it will help expose me to some new people and opportuniteis, as well. And, I do need to discover more activities that interest me, as my kids beome more independent and I foresee many more evenings and weekends on my own.
Well, I can't say that in one weekend I walked off nearly everything I still need to walk off. I was able to walk off some of the thoughts in my brain that were holding me back, though. It's a start. I am proud of my 20 miles of baby steps over the past few days. Hopefully, there will be many miles of great strides ahead of me.
Am I ready to head back to work? Probably not.
