Biochemistry Takes the Day
The past day and a half have been an Improvement. I would almost go as far to say that it is a major improvement, but I am afraid to say such a thing without knocking on wood. I still feel at the whim of my own body's chemical flow. Control is not mine and I really do not like it. Lack of control isn't new territory for me, but the terms of this episode just seem different. As I have written before, a complete lack of will and motivation, and desire to only sleep or cry is not what I am familiar with.
Just Keep Swimming
What there is to do now is continue forward, keep busy, and to not overthink it. I was able to have a last minute meeting with my new therapist, which was very helpful. I feel that my session earlier this week was part of the cause of this episode. She asked me a very deep, difficult, and painful question to me. What do I like about myself? That pushed me down a rabbit hole of self deprecation and loathing. What the hell do I like about myself? Almost nothing. In my eyes I am worthless and barely worthy of the air I breathe. Ruminating on that shattered my will. I told her in no uncertain terms that I feel little if any purpose and that I was primarily going through the motions of heading towards a meaningful like, hoping that someday I would be pleased and effect and positive impact on the world.
Over the years I have purposefully avoided such questions. I am brittle and mostly incapable of true self evaluation. I have continually hope that if I can accomplish enough that I will gain some personal respect. Is that belief a farce? Probably. Do I really need to address myself? Sigh.... yes.
When will it happen? Sooner rather than later, dammit. It has to. It may provide a doorway to a new stability, and perhaps even a reason for rising in the morning.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here