There are certain aspects of my condition that I am used to. Things I even expect. Often when I begin to get depressed, my mind jumps to Suicidal ideations, and I just battle that until it subsides. But every once in a while they never come. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that, but it is also weird. What did I do right?
A couple of days ago, the dark feelings began to come on, but instead of the typical destination, I was broadsided with strong Depression. Even though my diagnosis is major depression, what the real issue is is suicidal thoughts. But no one really gets diagnosed with that. It's usually something else accompanied by those thoughts. So it really is odd that when I do get slammed by depression that it is so unfamiliar to me. Not wanting to get out of bed, finding the simplest of things insurmountable, and generally avoiding consciousness don't come often. I suppose I normally have more drive than I give myself credit for. But right now I am struggling to have any.
I did go off abilify a couple of weeks ago, but I really don't think that it is related to this. I was put on it years ago and responded well, until my body adapted to it and I was switched to something else. So, more recently my most recent doctor put me back on it as an Antidepressant. The only problem is that it is not an antidepressant. It can be used as an antidepressant adjunct with others, but alone it is not labeled for depression. And I feel that it had little, if any, impact on me. I just didn't need what it was. So my current doctor and I agreed to go off it.
I can't really tell you what has me in this slump, but it has hit hard and I truly hope it only sticks around for a short period. I just don't have time to deal with this.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here