Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Slow Down There.
I started my next Entry a few days ago and got distracted. This is nothing new. It's likely that this entry will spend some time on the back burner before embracing the world. This semester has been a bit of a Personal, motivational, and action vacillation. I try really hard one week, just to slack off and get smacked in the face the next week. I was very excited last week thinking about how much personal improvement I have made... and then I sat back and started assessing what I thought I had been seeing. I won't say I jump straight to personal condemnation. I try not to because it can spur my depression and ideations. But I can get down on myself, or at least amplify me negative feelings towards yours truly. But sometimes the truth is just that, the truth.
Don't Get Cocky, Kid
The entry I started before this one, which I will likely post after this one, is all about choices and how small choices add up over time. I sat back, thinking I had made vast personal improvements, just to realize that perhaps I had made very few. In fact, considering how my responsibilities/load/schedule has been steadily increasing over the last year, that my personal work ethic and actions have not grown proportionally. So, maybe I've actually gone backwards, by not moving forward. Crap. That's not good.
Actions > Words
Personal reflection is good. I probably don't do enough of it. I can tell you right now that I actively avoid it at times, because it can make me chase the rabbit to unfriendly ground. So I sat down and thought about how much meaningful and productive time I am spending on each class, at the laboratory, and even around the house. I still fight the laziness. No two ways about it. I am still working on gaining back my work ethic I used to have. Seeing hard facts and numbers helps me. So looking at cold, hard numbers about what I need to be doing does help me.
Reflection through quantification. Sounds like a book I could write... or perhaps an entry. But writing down that I have to spend 10 hours on a certain class each week to do well and then looking at my log of how much time I actually spend on it can be eye opening. And frightening.
What About the Depression?
Yeah. What about it these days? It's there. Yes, it is there fore sure. However, it is in the background. It seems to be waiting for the right moment to jump out and attack. It has 'missed' a few choice opportunities so far. I am hoping that means I am actually doing well to fight it and keep it at bay. But like my other actions, I don't want to get cocky about this one. This one can be costly when not given its due respect. Semester by semester, there is an ever increasing stress level, which puts my depression and suicidal episodes to test. As far as my mind it concerned, it is adapt and evolve or get eaten.
There Must Be Something...
Stress has been causing me some memory issues. I really don't know if it is related to the ECT. I doubt it. I've really only experienced retro amnesia and amnesia during the treatment regimen. What I do think is that I am letting seep in is stress. Some days my mind is bogged down with pain and headaches due to good old fashioned stress. It's not good, and I am still working on just how to effectively combat it, beyond working hard for accomplishments, which brings relief.
Minute by minute, hour by hour, it all adds up. Each step matters, because each step counts. I'm trying to not forget or ignore that. Just gotta keep on keepin' on.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here