Unfortunately, I have trouble seeing beyond the self. My personal issues cloud the larger picture of what exactly is going on in the world as a whole, what is life, is there a grand purpose (both personally and beyond ourselves). I hate that I have such an issue addressing these questions. In part they just scare the Hell out of me. How can I possibly be prepared to take on such daunting questions, when I barely maintain psychological composure?
What Exactly do I Need to....
- Feel some purpose.
- Have reasonable goals.
- Know why the hell I get up every morning.
- Maybe have some idea of what comes that day after tomorrow.
Self Respect
Never had it. Ok, no that isn't true. I did have it, when I was young and a bit more stupid and had less Understanding of the world and its true workings. Now I suppose I am just more rubbed raw than anything else. I lack the understanding that I am worth even the air that I breathe. I look at too broad and negative a scale and weigh myself against it. Frankly, there is almost nothing that would tip the scales in my favor. I lose. No matter what. How does one gain self respect?
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Truthfully, I need to lose weight. How can anyone respect someone who truly despises their body enough to torture it into my current state. This may not be true for everyone, but it is to me. My eating habits are part of my self-medication and masochism. I hate it. I truly hate it to the core of my being. I feel that it controls me and not the other way around. I cannot accept that I can have self respect if something as simple as food rules my will.
Understanding
That's scary shit. What exactly is going on in this life? Whomever has a grasp on it is basically god to me. Or wallowing in the pits of insanity. I need an understanding of what I think life is, why I am here, and where to go from there.
Purpose, Helping Others
I need a reason to. This may sound absolutely horrible and self-centered... because it is. I have a hard time finding the humanity, well, in humanity. There are so many horrible things shoved down our throats on the news and in media. It is hard, at times, to understand that this is just the tip of the iceberg and that so many people are good or have the capacity for such. Some just need aid. This is the reason I chose the medical field. But I still struggle with a useless dichotomy. What if the person I help to live becomes a person that impacts the world in an amazingly useful way VS what if this person becomes the next Hitler!? I feel responsible for that, even though I have no way of knowing. Much of this lies in my own self questioning and loathing.
So much to address...
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
