I've Got It All
I have everything I ever need and yet I have nothing. How can this be? I would say that it is mostly in my mind. I am in the first world, am upper-middle class, have a loving wife with a great career, have 3 children, have some good pets, and have decent health (minus the Mental illness). Why should I ever think I don't have every dang thing that anyone could ask for? Hell if I know. This doesn't make sense.
Veruca Salt
I want it all. Everything. Would it help. Not a god Damn bit. I could be ruler of the universe, with a thousand servants and access to it all, but my mind would find a way to make me feel worthless, downtrodden, and alone. Does anyone else out there feel this way? How is it that I can be so blessed and feel so cursed? I've accepted that I have this disease... a disease that make little sense. And yet I cannot seem to grasp how it adapts and works to thwart my joy and happiness. I still struggle accepting that it is something chemically wrong with me and that I am not just sabotaging myself on purpose.
Never Gonna Happen. Heaps of Lies Upon Lies
I'm never going to find what I am looking for. I'll never achieve what I have set out for, because the basis of bearings for my journey and destination is erroneous. I don't know what else to say on the subject.
How do I find that which is intangible... that which is invisible... that which cannot be sensed? Damn, those are tough questions.
The Final Rub
I am struggling to write. I have so much within me, and yet I can scarcely pen a few lines. Ugh. This block must end. I have to force the flow.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
