Transitioning Into the Self
I am free. For now. School has ended and now, even though I have a personal list of items to accomplish, I am falling. I knew I needed something to get me through the summer, like a job or school, but I have neither. I dropped the ball on the job opportunity and I rejected school because of its cost. I suppose I have to deal with it.
I have a large list and many things to do. Thank god... or thank whatever. If I didn't have it, then I would truly be lost by now. Just keep Busy. Just keep busy. Just keep busy, busy, busy. (Channeling Dori there.) Very soon, this Monday, I have an appointment with a local ECT specialist to determine if ECT is a viable option for my treatment (given my current circumstances), or possibly TMS.
Am I ready for ECT, if that is the determination? Practically, no. I have to compile documentation from previous providers that have been slow to release documentation that my insurance requires. Realistically, yes. I am willing to undergo the treatment, but have already determined that I need to do regular studying of last years topics (between ECT sessions) to make sure that I don't forget the important features of my education. Losing a years-worth of schooling would be devastating. But I am truly thankful and amazed that I now live in a city that provides such treatment and that I will not have to drive 5 hours for it.
Strive and Derive
I partially do not know where I am. It is difficult to determine where to go when I do not know where I am coming from. I just don't want to deal with the question. To face the question is to be consumed by it. But then again, that is part of the problem. One cannot escape the question forever.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
