This Ain't No Fairy-tail
Today has been a good day. And that is why it is bad.
The calm comes before the storm. Always. Last week was a major storm and all that I can imagine now is that the eye has opened before me. I had a dreadful exam this morning. But it turned out to not be as horrible as expected. We had an egg hunt around our house today and dyed eggs. Things went as predicted. My daughter made dinner for us and everything was really rather droll and enjoyable. It wasn't bad. It even peeked into good territory, and it scares the ever-loving shit out of me.
Paranoia of your own mind exists, strong and hearty in the minds of those with major depression. Our own senses and faculties can fail to alert us of the true episodes that are headed our way. Sometimes I dull my senses enough to enjoy myself. I am dulling them now. I am not, nor will I ever be, that person to use anything illegal to alter my world. Tonight I have enjoyed a few drinks and thought it prudent, or rather interesting enough, to pen my thoughts at this time. And by "thought it prudent", I mean that a good blogging friend thought it interesting enough to encourage me to write my thoughts while they were "loose", as it were.
You Called It
I am not an angry drunk, or any of the other negative iterations. Generally, I am a happy drunk or happy drinker. Perhaps that is what I am now or perhaps not, it is not for me to decide. What is for me to ponder is whether this is good or bad. Ok, I don't have to ponder. Usually I drink and enjoy myself, just for a subsequent rupture of personal mental fortitude. Tomorrow it is likely I will wake up at the bottom. Why? I suppose my brain chemicals will have bottomed out and lack the power to lift me to even a normal level. I Hope it isn't so. Tomorrow is a busy day. There are events and works for me to do. Let us hope that this is a fluke. I will set my alarm for dawn and try to hit the gym, to pain myself into joy, as it often does.
It's Too True
The more I eat, the more I shrink. What the hell does that even mean? To those of you that have read before, it is plain that I am trying to lose weight. The more I eat and increase my belt, the more diminutive I feel. Screw it. Today has been a failure of abstinence. Tomorrow I will likely be a bit hungover and hitting the gym in pain to make up for the sins of today.
Why...?
Why do I do this? Drink, eat? One of two reasons: fun or self medication. Which, which is which? Tomorrow will come and we shall see if this reprieve comes at pittance or a multitude of destructive thoughts that hope to kill my, well, everything.
More Importantly
If tonight is all that I have, then maybe, just maybe, it was worth it.
The Followup
(2 days later)
The Followup
(2 days later)
Originally I thought that I would douse this entry and toss it for being disingenuous, but I decided it was part of me and my journey, and it would be dishonest to pretend it doesn't happen. As it were, the next day was a fine day. But the following day (today) I began to roll downhill again. I am not sure if imbibing played a role, but let's just say it did and leave it at that.
Tomorrow I meet with my therapist, which is a good thing. Hopefully she can help me stay on track and keep hope in my sights.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
