Be The Mundane
(this is boring, skippable stuff)
I think I have come to enjoy this blase cathartic release that I get from penning my thoughts and opinions. I still do not know to what extent anyone actually reads this, but whatever.
Today was another semi-good day. But it is only about 2/3 over. My day started early with family and School. Maybe 5 hours of sleep, so I was dragging. My morning caffeine barely propped me up in lecture. When I had a chance, I snuck off to my car for a siesta, which mainly entailed of me listening to Disturbed's new album while laying back and shutting my eyes. It really did help. I will say this, everyone's relaxing music is different. Back in high school I would go to sleep listening to Metallica, but that isn't for everyone. I have to remember this, because my son does something similar at times.
After my 'nap', I studied and did some schoolwork. Then I had the dreaded practical. This is my last practical for this semester of bioscience and, as far as I am concerned, I kicked that test's ass. Walking away from that test I was on a high. I know I did well. Studying had paid off.
The Bottom Drops
Shortly thereafter my depression began to creep up. "Hello," it says. "You're going to fail. You can't possibly do what you need to. Driving is Difficult. Breathing is difficult. Just being is difficult." Do I even need to write again how much I don't understand those feelings? Now, I don't hear voices. I've only ever heard voices once, and that was about 20 years ago. But the pervasive feelings have their own essence, and either I can interpret them or they push my mind in a certain direction.
It's hard to combat those strong emotions. It would be unfair to give me credit for directly squelching them. First of all, they are still there/here, but keeping busy has kept them at bay. Right now I sit at the park with my youngest daughter. It's pleasant. However, later will suck, and I will likely require an IV of coffee. I have some difficult schoolwork to accomplish and roughly 30 pages of condensed notes to study for tomorrow's exam. I just have to make it through the next 24 hours and some relief will come. Or will it? My mind is always on the brink of a precarious scale.
Obviously stress brings on the feelings and hopelessness. Some of this is learned and some of this is chemical. Trying to be kind to myself has greatly helped the last few months. I am not a superman, no matter how hard I try. It is only fair that I live up to my potential, not someone else's.
The Takeaway
Isn't that true for all of us? We are brought up in a culture that reveres winners and ignores the 'average'. Anyone that knows about the bell curve understands that there are a few geniuses but MANY capables. It's understanding and accepting that we can be average and yet special. Special is a funny word. It means many things. But what I mean mostly is in an interpersonal sense. If I am happy and rich and others despise the way I treat everyone, then I'm not special. Vice versa, if I am happy and poor but everyone loves me because of the way I treat them, then I am special. That is the definition I am going off of.
It does go against my selfish and almost solipsistic view of life, but I think it is probably true.
Thoughts? Anyone?
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
