....waiting
I just don't know which way the Wind is blowing the past few days. It's this way, then that way. At a moments notice I am thrown into horrible thoughts of self harm and the next I am ready to take on the day. Damn, it's exhausting.
More often than not, I try to put a header image that represents my frame of mind when writing the post. But I do try to keep them pleasant. Since I feel tossed in the wind, I feel that I am a ship on the ocean in a Storm. I am in enough control to keep from capsizing or sinking, but not much more than that. My wife is truly my lighthouse, safe harbor, and anchor. But that doesn't always abate the storm in my mind. So I got to thinking, what creates the storm and wind and provides the powers for it's amazing destruction. The sun! Imagine how incredible and awesome that power is. It is so beyond us to even fathom the power it contains. It doesn't control, but it is the source of many things.
so....
That is how I feel in my mind. It is the awesome power behind so many things that I Struggle to control. I struggle to try to even decide if control is possible and if I should try to fight on. Or am I trying to attack the sun by fruitlessly punching at the wind?
I feel alone...in two ways. Depression tends to make one feel isolated and forgotten. So there is that. But I also feel like I need some friends. I can't say I don't have any. Cliche or not, my wife is my best friend and we talk about many things, but I also hold some things back (at times) because I know she has a lot on her mind too. (Sometimes I think I am helping by not talking, but really making things worse. I realize this and try to avoid it, if possible.)
My other best friend has patiently listened to my troubles and struggles for years, but now finds herself on my side of the wall. Isolated, being a mother at home, postpartum, and the death of her mother has left her gasping for air and struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am glad that I can actually be here for her now, because I can empathize with her. But it goes to show you how depression can bring even strong people down. She was always such a strong person that was in charge of her everything. Depression is truly not a choice. Though I still have her to speak with, I feel guilty for bemoaning to her when I feel that she is worse off than me.
....go on
I have other friends, but most of them are in California, and we don't talk much about mental health anyways. I don't know if anyone truly reads this blog, but at some point I hope I get a comment or two and could have at least a superficial dialogue.
I am supposed to be doing schoolwork right now. I have so much to do, it's ridiculous. But I cannot concentrate. I was hoping that spewing out my thoughts and feelings might help calm my brain. Fingers crossed.
For now, peace. Later, hell.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
